Go With the Flow…Chart

Posted October 1, 2011 by Kelly
Categories: Sans Pants

In the years that I’ve been forging this no pants crusade, I have always stressed that my bottom line is not ridicule, but rather education. Ladies, if you do not wear clothes, I WILL take a picture of your ass. I will also publish that picture on the Internet. But never fear. Because I a.) will not show your face and b.) will only use it as a tool to educate the masses on the virtues of pants. Yet somehow, despite my tireless educational efforts, people are STILL without their pants. Luckily, five different people have recently drawn my attention to a very poignant schematic that outlines EXACTLY what I have been preaching all along.

This flow chart, entitled, “Am I Wearing Pants?”, is incredibly thorough and takes into consideration every possible scenario that girls of all ages may encounter. It’s a pocket-size pants monitor. The IQ of this single instrument allows anyone to take the brains out of the pants operation. It’s simply fool-proof. No individual effort required. X marks the spot pants treasure map. Need I make more puns? Humor me one more…and allow me to make it catchy…

If your lack of pants has you feeling low,

And you’re just so lost on where to go,

To the leggings you just must say “Hell no!”

And instead so simple just go with the flow!

…chart!

My appreciation goes out to the 5 friends who sent this my way. It is as if I had designed it myself.
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No Pants Sighting of the Day

Posted May 2, 2011 by Kelly
Categories: No Pants Sightings

Location: Around and about the Pru, the epicenter of Anime Boston, a.k.a. Giant Freakshow 2011.

Offense: Once a year, a whole gaggle o’ high school-aged, acne-ridden, papier mache-wielding crazies invades the Back Bay for some good ol’ fashion LARPing. These teenagers have spent weeks crafting their costumes to resemble their anime heroes, including Pikachu and Sailor Moon (sorry, those two complete the list of anime characters I can name), and flood into Boston for an epic meeting of the minds. My co-worker and I took a stroll through the madness, and got the distinct feeling walking through the courtyard that we were dropped in the middle of a zoo. We observed as they fought with giant cardboard scythes–wild animals in their natural habitat. Unfortunately for them, the general public perusing the Pru shops did not anticipate needing to buy aquarium tickets in addition to their dose of Pinkberry. They didn’t quite expect uber-nerds in leotards and capes.

Verdict: There is no reasonable occasion to dig out the leotard from your 7th grade jazz recital to take a romp around a crowded shopping mall. Because the anime characters you’re emulating? They’re CARTOONS. They can’t even keep their little animated mouths moving with the pace of the translated English phrases. They just don’t have the same anatomical make-up as real people. You don’t normally see cartoon characters suffering from the unfortunate cottage cheese ass. Cartoons don’t need to maintain their bikini waxes. Imitation may be the highest form of flattery, but animation, in this no pants crime scene, is bordering on debauchery.

In my opinion, fake blood is clearly the hot trend this spring. I think I read something about it in Cosmo. It was either fake blood or fake boobs…can’t really remember.
In a Where’s Waldo-esque scene of anime freaks in a food court, I can spot the no-pants offenders every time.

No Pants Sighting of the Day

Posted April 18, 2011 by Kelly
Categories: No Pants Sightings

Location: NOLA (New Orleans Lack of pants Association)

Offense: As warm weather is teasing us here in New England and the tantalizingly glorious prospect of day drinking on a roof deck makes my heart go a-flutter, I believe it is time to address the general public about a topic that is so simple, yet so misunderstood and even more mis-implemented: shorts.

Shorts are, in essence, exactly what their name implies: a shorter version of pants. And I like pants, so you would hasten to assume I like shorts as well. Yes and no. Yes: they are a symbol of summer. Of warm weather and jogging along the beach. Of picnics in the park and eating ice cream on a hot, muggy night. But NO: recently, the amount of denim rationed to the making of shorts has seemingly been on the drastic decline because the shorts you see in the stores now can really only fit a small monkey and that’s about it. Half the time I don’t know whether I’m looking at a pair of shorts or some Huggies because that sure as hell looks like a diaper to me. So when it comes to this young woman, waiting patiently at the intersection to cross the street, I hesitate (severely) to put my stamp of approval on those shorts.

Verdict: Someone please call 911 because her shorts are literally choking her ass. We know¬† you have junk in the trunk. You are apparently very proud of it. But I mean seriously, unless you put up some Poster Board sign on a tree that offers me and your fellow neighbors some sweet deals…no one is coming to that garage sale.

Photo courtesy of Alicia, my metropolitan Maryland area no-pants spy. Her subject line when she sent this picture via email? "They walk in New Orleans too".

No Pants Sighting of the Day

Posted March 15, 2011 by Kelly
Categories: No Pants Sightings

Location: The Harp…allow me to elaborate. This is one of the “Garden bars”, a.k.a. the bars by the TD Garden, a.k.a. where the Celts and Bruins play, and where Lady Gaga has come once a year for the past two years to wreak havoc on the small fraction of dignified, pants-wearing folk we still have living in this city.

Offense: Let’s break down this outfit for a moment. There are no pants to be found. No pants have been entered into this equation. She put 2 and 2 together and it did not equal pants. But what is far more disturbing to me about this “outfit” (or as I like to call it, the remnants of the Christmas wrapping stock), is that there is also no top in sight. All I see is what can only be described as a boob sling. A boob sling, ladies and gentlemen, is much like a baby sling. It wraps around your front and tightly swaddles your little bundle of joy. The bundles of joy in this case are…the ta tas.

Verdict: For heaven’s sake, if your boobs are not broken, fractured or sprained in some way, do not put them in a sling. Because every time one of those suckers comes loose–which it inevitably will (and did, according to my eyewitnesses)–you have to scoop it up like a lump of silicone-flavored ice cream. There’s a much better cone to put that ice cream in…it’s called a bra. Top it with a shirt. Mmm, just like sprinkles.

Ribbons are good for several things: wrapping presents, rhythmic gymnastics, and adorning the fake ponytails belonging to adolescent cheerleaders. But the last thing I want to do is untie some ribbon and have your fun bags fall into my lap.

No Pants Sighting of the Day

Posted March 6, 2011 by Kelly
Categories: No Pants Sightings

Location: Outside Felt (club in Boston that’s halfway between Downtown Crossing and Chinatown, and is also halfway between Slutsville and Skanktown)

Offense: Here I’ve always thought that spanx were to be worn UNDERNEATH one’s clothing, but I’ve clearly been mistaken all these years. My bad. I’m clearly not up to speed with the latest fashion trends. When you think about it, that really does make things simple doesn’t it? First of all, you don’t need underwear. You just don’t need it. You also don’t need to purchase actual clothes. Just go to your local KMart, pick up a package of spanx for $5.99, and voila! You’re ready for a night out on the town. And do we think that this underwear/clothing fusion will insulate the legs and protect the skin from the 30 degree weather that is still present in Boston? Not in the slightest. Get back on your rocker already.

Verdict: Quoth Becca: “SOMEONE’S here to see her gynocologist!”

I swear this was not a Photoshop effect, but bizarrely enough, as soon as I snapped the picture, the dress FUSED itself to her ass. As if holding on for dear life. This is 127 Hours: the no pants version.

Epic No-Pantscapade: No Pants T Ride 2011

Posted January 10, 2011 by Kelly
Categories: Sans Pants

When I boarded the Red Line at Alewife station for the No Pants T Ride 2011, I really thought I knew exactly what I was getting myself into. After all, I observed and documented the same event a year ago, knew how it worked, and had mentally prepared myself for the onslaught of no pants I was about to encounter. But I was not prepared. Oh no. HELL no.

The differences from last year leaped out and smacked me in the face from the very first train car we stepped into. A likely-delusional older man walked around claiming he was a Berklee School of Music grad (unlikely), asked passengers to name a band, and launched into screeching renditions of hard-to-recognize tunes. He didn’t know half of the bands people suggested anyway. At least he kept his pants on. This was bad enough, but the musical assault only continued to when someone (hopefully I’ll never find out who this someone is, or I’ll have to hurt him/her) stirred the entire car into a frenzied rendition of the Spice Girls’ “Wanna Be”. In the midst of this chaos, people started taking their pants off. So now, pantsless people of all shapes, sizes, genders and ages are down to their underwear and telling me what they want, what they really really want.

After hopping to a different car at the next station that was much quieter, thank goodness, the continuation of the ride went pretty smoothly. We followed the flock of pantsless folk from car to car, and station to station, capturing these precious pantsless moments along the way. The next hitch for these fools? They were supposed to transfer from the Orange Line to the Blue Line, but little did they realize, the Blue Line was closed for the weekend and shuttle buses were running in between several stations. Ohhh did I chuckle! They now had to exit the station to the 20 degree weather, wait in line for shuttle buses to pick them up on the street, and freeze their asses off in the process.

All in all, it was a field day for me and my trusty camera. Whereas I normally have to be incredibly discreet when taking my no-pants pictures, even the cops on the T didn’t care that my camera was flashing at rapid speed. And to see the fruits of my camera’s labor, just scroll down. But brace yourself for impact…this may be too much no-pantsness for you to handle. Take a break if necessary. And don’t forget to hydrate.

And for the GRAND finale…

No Pants Sighting of the Day

Posted December 15, 2010 by Kelly
Categories: No Pants Sightings

Location: McFadden’s – Boston

Offense:

‘Twas the Christmas season in Boston, and all through the street, the frigid air swirled from my head to my feet. The lights were hung on the Faneuil Hall tree with care, in hopes that drunken fools would find their way there. And me in my peacoat and Dan in his hat, had just entered McFadden’s to enjoy a nightcap. When across from the bar there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter. It wasn’t surprising, didn’t happen by chance, but there was the bartender, without any pants. In hooker boots and red panties made of lace, I can guarantee no one was looking at her face. What should always be hidden was out in plain sight, her ass cheeks exposed gave me such a fright. It was horrid and tacky seeing that much of her butt, I had to ask myself if she was indeed a slut. But alas she just fell prey to an intricate dance, she was merely a hopeless victim of Find Your Pants!

Verdict:

The holidays are wonderful, bright and merry. But please, oh please, ladies, do not make them scary. Put some pants on, you’ll feel oh so good. Keep your panties on the inside, as you well know you should. Allow me to spread a little holiday cheer, Merry Christmas to all and may pants always be near!

 

Happy Holidays my Find Your Pants faithful. This one's a doozy.

In the latest step forward for the feminist movement, the male bartender gets to wear a full elf costume complete with long sleeves and pants...and she gets to be in her underwear. Go women!

Luckily for her, red lace panties provide convenient storage space for all your alcoholic beverage opening devices.

Why keep your exposed ass behind the bar when you can use the power of elevation to attract a wider audience? Question of the day my friends...


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