No Pants Sighting of the Day

Location: The Harp…allow me to elaborate. This is one of the “Garden bars”, a.k.a. the bars by the TD Garden, a.k.a. where the Celts and Bruins play, and where Lady Gaga has come once a year for the past two years to wreak havoc on the small fraction of dignified, pants-wearing folk we still have living in this city.

Offense: Let’s break down this outfit for a moment. There are no pants to be found. No pants have been entered into this equation. She put 2 and 2 together and it did not equal pants. But what is far more disturbing to me about this “outfit” (or as I like to call it, the remnants of the Christmas wrapping stock), is that there is also no top in sight. All I see is what can only be described as a boob sling. A boob sling, ladies and gentlemen, is much like a baby sling. It wraps around your front and tightly swaddles your little bundle of joy. The bundles of joy in this case are…the ta tas.

Verdict: For heaven’s sake, if your boobs are not broken, fractured or sprained in some way, do not put them in a sling. Because every time one of those suckers comes loose–which it inevitably will (and did, according to my eyewitnesses)–you have to scoop it up like a lump of silicone-flavored ice cream. There’s a much better cone to put that ice cream in…it’s called a bra. Top it with a shirt. Mmm, just like sprinkles.

Ribbons are good for several things: wrapping presents, rhythmic gymnastics, and adorning the fake ponytails belonging to adolescent cheerleaders. But the last thing I want to do is untie some ribbon and have your fun bags fall into my lap.

No Pants Sighting of the Day

Location: Outside Felt (club in Boston that’s halfway between Downtown Crossing and Chinatown, and is also halfway between Slutsville and Skanktown)

Offense: Here I’ve always thought that spanx were to be worn UNDERNEATH one’s clothing, but I’ve clearly been mistaken all these years. My bad. I’m clearly not up to speed with the latest fashion trends. When you think about it, that really does make things simple doesn’t it? First of all, you don’t need underwear. You just don’t need it. You also don’t need to purchase actual clothes. Just go to your local KMart, pick up a package of spanx for $5.99, and voila! You’re ready for a night out on the town. And do we think that this underwear/clothing fusion will insulate the legs and protect the skin from the 30 degree weather that is still present in Boston? Not in the slightest. Get back on your rocker already.

Verdict: Quoth Becca: “SOMEONE’S here to see her gynocologist!”

I swear this was not a Photoshop effect, but bizarrely enough, as soon as I snapped the picture, the dress FUSED itself to her ass. As if holding on for dear life. This is 127 Hours: the no pants version.

Epic No-Pantscapade: No Pants T Ride 2011

When I boarded the Red Line at Alewife station for the No Pants T Ride 2011, I really thought I knew exactly what I was getting myself into. After all, I observed and documented the same event a year ago, knew how it worked, and had mentally prepared myself for the onslaught of no pants I was about to encounter. But I was not prepared. Oh no. HELL no.

The differences from last year leaped out and smacked me in the face from the very first train car we stepped into. A likely-delusional older man walked around claiming he was a Berklee School of Music grad (unlikely), asked passengers to name a band, and launched into screeching renditions of hard-to-recognize tunes. He didn’t know half of the bands people suggested anyway. At least he kept his pants on. This was bad enough, but the musical assault only continued to when someone (hopefully I’ll never find out who this someone is, or I’ll have to hurt him/her) stirred the entire car into a frenzied rendition of the Spice Girls’ “Wanna Be”. In the midst of this chaos, people started taking their pants off. So now, pantsless people of all shapes, sizes, genders and ages are down to their underwear and telling me what they want, what they really really want.

After hopping to a different car at the next station that was much quieter, thank goodness, the continuation of the ride went pretty smoothly. We followed the flock of pantsless folk from car to car, and station to station, capturing these precious pantsless moments along the way. The next hitch for these fools? They were supposed to transfer from the Orange Line to the Blue Line, but little did they realize, the Blue Line was closed for the weekend and shuttle buses were running in between several stations. Ohhh did I chuckle! They now had to exit the station to the 20 degree weather, wait in line for shuttle buses to pick them up on the street, and freeze their asses off in the process.

All in all, it was a field day for me and my trusty camera. Whereas I normally have to be incredibly discreet when taking my no-pants pictures, even the cops on the T didn’t care that my camera was flashing at rapid speed. And to see the fruits of my camera’s labor, just scroll down. But brace yourself for impact…this may be too much no-pantsness for you to handle. Take a break if necessary. And don’t forget to hydrate.

And for the GRAND finale…

No Pants Sighting of the Day

Location: McFadden’s – Boston

Offense:

‘Twas the Christmas season in Boston, and all through the street, the frigid air swirled from my head to my feet. The lights were hung on the Faneuil Hall tree with care, in hopes that drunken fools would find their way there. And me in my peacoat and Dan in his hat, had just entered McFadden’s to enjoy a nightcap. When across from the bar there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter. It wasn’t surprising, didn’t happen by chance, but there was the bartender, without any pants. In hooker boots and red panties made of lace, I can guarantee no one was looking at her face. What should always be hidden was out in plain sight, her ass cheeks exposed gave me such a fright. It was horrid and tacky seeing that much of her butt, I had to ask myself if she was indeed a slut. But alas she just fell prey to an intricate dance, she was merely a hopeless victim of Find Your Pants!

Verdict:

The holidays are wonderful, bright and merry. But please, oh please, ladies, do not make them scary. Put some pants on, you’ll feel oh so good. Keep your panties on the inside, as you well know you should. Allow me to spread a little holiday cheer, Merry Christmas to all and may pants always be near!

 

Happy Holidays my Find Your Pants faithful. This one's a doozy.

In the latest step forward for the feminist movement, the male bartender gets to wear a full elf costume complete with long sleeves and pants...and she gets to be in her underwear. Go women!

Luckily for her, red lace panties provide convenient storage space for all your alcoholic beverage opening devices.

Why keep your exposed ass behind the bar when you can use the power of elevation to attract a wider audience? Question of the day my friends...

No Pants Sighting of the Day

Location: Downtown Crossing T station

Offense: I should really call this a “No Clothes Sighting of the Day”, because honey, it’s about 3 degrees above freezing in Boston, and you are wearing that. No coat, no pants, no shirt that wasn’t procured from the children’s department…really an all-around atrocity of an outfit. Now since she was wearing obnoxiously loud metallic pink booty shorts, my eye zeroed in on her. However, she was accompanied by a gaggle of other no-clothes-wearers…once they boarded the train and broke out into a rendition of “Time Warp” complete with violent pelvic thrusting movements from “Rocky Horror”, I understood ever so slightly more what the hell was going on…but…

Verdict: …Halloween already happened kids. The time to dress like fools and rock out to Rocky Horror came and went, like nearly a month ago. I have a hard time believing that in a group of nearly 15, not one of these no pants enthusiasts would own a calendar. So nice try, but no dice. This is a little less Rocky Horror and a little more just plain horror.

 

Response from Lukas to this outfit: "She's so confused...she's confusing me!" Alas, it is indeed a conundrum. I can't imagine ever opening my closet and pulling out a pair of metallic pink booty shorts.

I find it hard to believe that anyone who isn't a 14-year-old semi-professional gymnast should be wearing a top like that.

If You Say It On Oprah…Then It MUST Be True!

I received the following text from my best friend at 4:03pm on Thursday, November 18: “Carson just declared on Oprah that leggings are NOT pants!” Well I’ll be damned. I’ve seen similar sentiments in a smattering of online blogs, or discussed among friends, or even in various entertainment magazines. But I never, I mean NEVER expected that pants, the item of clothing I fight oh so hard for and comfort when scorn is brought upon them by countless pantsless women, would ever be privileged enough to experience the “Oprah Effect”. What is the Oprah Effect, exactly? Well allow me to indulge you with a few examples (from popeater.com):

We Take The Cake – In 2003, Lori Karmel bought a floundering mail order business which later became We Take the Cake. The business only turned a $19 profit in 2004. But the company was pulled from the brink of bankruptcy after becoming one of Oprah’s Favorite Things. Ten-thousand cakes were sold after the show and today it is a million dollar business.

Spanx – In 2000, Oprah chose Spanx shape wear as one of her “Favorite Things.” The Atlanta-based clothing company quickly sold $50,000 worth of products in just three months.

Music Impact – When the Black Eyed Peas performed on this year’s ‘The Oprah Winfrey Show’ season opener, the band’s album sales jumped 29 percent. And when Whitney Houston gave a two-part interview to Oprah, her album sales shot up 77 percent. ***Author’s addendum: when Oprah endorsed the Christmas album from my favorite artist of all time, Josh Groban, the album jumped to #1 on the Billboard charts the next week, stayed there for 5 weeks and broke several Billboard records, and Josh became the number 1 selling artist of 2007. How’s that for “Oprah Effect”. LOVE it.

Barack Obama – In her first public endorsement, Winfrey gave Barack Obama’s presidential campaign her seal of approval, which a University of Maryland study found may have netted him one million votes. During the election campaign, she even snubbed Sarah Palin by not inviting her to be on her show. (But that changed this week when she invited Palin to chat about her memoir ‘Going Rogue.’)

The fact that improper use of leggings goes against one of Carson Kressley’s fashion rules is HUGE and makes me beyond ecstatic. While he finds them to be a great layering piece, he cautions to wear something over them because THEY ARE NOT PANTS! I can only imagine how the Oprah Effect will manifest when it comes to pants. Will there be an instant spike in jean sales? Will girls start justifying their fashion choices by starting with, “Well Oprah said…”? Will there be a decrease in the amount of opportunities I get to take pictures of girls not wearing pants? Well that one’s unlikely, but hey, a girl can dream…

My bottom line: I want Find Your Pants to be endorsed by Oprah. It’s a lofty…incredibly lofty…goal, but I just feel that if I really want to make a tangible difference in this increasingly pantsless world, I need an ally. A big ally. One who affects economic trends, consumer purchases and is literally one of the most influential figures on the planet. Plus, Oprah gets major brownie points for actually wearing pants. Walk the walk, eh? Oprah and Carson, I salute you. I commend your fashion choices, especially when they align with my own. And MOST especially, when they align…with pants.

A Conversation of Hybrid Proportions

Hybrids have all sorts of fun words associated with them: composite, cross-breeding, genetic manipulation, heterogeneous elements. And through the miracles of science and technology, certain hybrids have catapulted us into what will likely be the future of planet Earth. Hybrid cars = good for the environment, hybrid dogs = often very cute, hybrid television = trashy reality TV with a profound message. But a few hybrids, in the pants jeanus (get it? That’s a play on the word “genus” if you didn’t pick up on it…scientific pun…), are disturbing to me. They have hybrid names and are a composite of two breeds of pants; but in these cases, the sum is NOT greater than the parts. To what am I referring? Why, jeggings and pajama jeans.

Let me start with jeggings. They are leggings made to look like jeans. They are leggings, which often are not worn properly as pants, disguised as jeans. Due to the fact that their popularity is spreading like wild fire and it was the top item on every prepubescent girl’s back-to-school shopping list, I believe that jeggings have not only put the wool over our eyes, they put the whole damn sheep.

Let’s deconstruct jeggings a bit, shall we? The root of the word is “leggings”, and the “j” is merely the letter that makes the word a hybrid. Therefore, it is my belief that the same rules that govern the utilization of leggings should apply (see The Great Leggings Debate of 2009 for rules, exceptions to rules, and overall frivolity). Just because these hybrid pants are adorned with fake pockets doesn’t mean they can honestly be treated and viewed in the same way as jeans. Are people honestly so blind that they cannot distinguish between the two? Listen, ladies, I’m not a fan of jeggings at all because they remind me of something Barbie would wear. I’m talking the disproportionate Barbie with a waist so tiny she’d fall over if she was real; before they made her fat and ugly. Barbie’s jeans never had real pockets…her fingers were fused together anyway so it’s not like she would actually store anything in there.

On to the next hybrid tragedy, for which I saw an actual television commercial this morning. I didn’t think it would get this bad…but I present: pajama jeans. They are spandex “jeans” on the outside, pajamas on the inside. According to the ad, they look so much like jeans you’ll think they were made by a European designer (unlikely…Versace isn’t about to hop that crazy train to spandex town), but so comfortable you’ll want to sleep in them. They also claim that the spandex design fits any body type perfectly…what exactly are the makers of pajama jeans smoking? You mean to tell me that spandex is flattering on everyone? That a 100-pound girl and a 200-pound girl are going to look exactly the same in pajama jeans?? Spandex (or their cotton/spandex blend, to be exact) is the material that highlights every imperfection and curve you’ve got. You don’t stand a chance if you’re trying to hide anything. Just quit while you’re ahead.

So here are my parting words for you, my Find Your Pants enthusiasts (and victims): jeggings and pajama jeans are RIDICULOUS. You look RIDICULOUS in them. They will never be anything but RIDICULOUS. I know hybrids may be the way of the future, but let’s cherish the past. Keep the cross-breeding to a minimum and stick with a sturdy pair of jeans…real jeans.

If you want proof of the train wreck of an invention that is pajama jeans, check out the video below or their website at www.pajamajeans.com.

No Pants Sighting of the Day: Halloween Edition Part II

Location: Salem, MA (see Halloween Edition Part I for a list of other aliases)

Offense: Well, you have two guys running down the street in women’s Baywatch-style bathing suits. So you fill in the blanks on this one.

Verdict: Apparently these sans pants guys are supposed to be magnets…magnets, by definition, are supposed to attract things. The only thing you are attracting right now, gentlemen, is a crowd of people ridiculing you. You AND your not-so-magnetic asses. Bathing suits like this are designed for women for a reason. I guess it does take balls to run around town like this…but speaking of balls…thank the sweet lord we’re not seeing this shot from the front.

 

Another gem from Lukas, who is a staunch supporter of my Find Your Pants movement. For this, I thank him. To think that this was the town where countless witches were hanged...and now we're subjected to this crime against humanity.

No Pants Sighting of the Day: Halloween Edition Part I

Location: Salem, MA a.k.a. the Halloween Capital of the World a.k.a. Frightening No Pantsville, USA

Offense: You don’t need Sherlock, Angela Lansbury OR Scooby Doo to crack this mystery…your ass, in undeniable fashion, is hanging out. And frankly, my dear, I do give a damn.

Verdict: Halloween, in this day and age, is the scariest holiday of the year…not because of ghosts, psycho killers and anyone dressed up as Snooki; but rather because there is on average a 237.4% spike in the amount of people not wearing pants. It’s alarming. The thing about this no pants victim that causes me to throw my hands up in exasperation and roll my eyes in such violent fashion that they practically roll into the back of my head is that her ass DID NOT NEED TO BE EXPOSED. Her skirt actually hasn’t reached danger zone level yet. Her problem is that backpack! Ladies, allow me to take this opportunity to once again make a PSA on your behalf. ANY item that you carry on your shoulder has the very real potential of causing the contents of your outfit to shift during flight. Shirts, skirts, dresses, and even coats can fall prey to this side effect. Be smart. Keep the contents of your ass secure. It’s the safe option for all parties involved.

Photo courtesy of Lukas, whose Salem residence is both convenient for catching these myriad Halloween no pants moments, and convenient for providing endless folly for me.

No Pants Sighting of the Day

Location: The pantsless streets of Boston

Offense: We can blatantly, obviously, clearly, transparently, unmistakably, and visibly see your underwear.

Verdict: For the last time. Tights. Are. Not. Pants. This seems to befuddle the women-kind of my fair city. Tights are made from a different material than pants. Tights have a different name than pants. Tights start with the letter “T”, whilst pants start with the letter “P”. They are completely and utterly opposite. You wear tights for any kind of dancing (ribbon included), whereas you wear pants for REAL LIFE. Since this seems to mystify so many, I feel it is my obligation to provide visual representation as to the distinct game-changer that separates tights from pants. Please refer to Appendix A below for further details.

 

Photo courtesy of Karen "Kickass" Boss's friend, Michael, who assumed this was a Boston University student, when in fact it was a 45-year-old woman.

 

 

In case you didn't catch the nauseating effect of this No Pants Sighting, here's a little taste of the zoom function.

 

 

Appendix A: This is a pair of my ballet tights. Notice the seam. This is a fundamentally different seam than that which you will see on pants. Please make a mental and physical note of this (Post-Its work great), as this will greatly aid you in discerning pants from tights in the future.