Archive for July 2012

No Pants Sighting of the Day

July 1, 2012

Location: I’m awaiting details on where, when and how this monstrosity of epic proportions occurred. If it happened somewhere in Boston proper or the surrounding suburbs, I might consider moving.

Offense: Where do I even begin. I have no words, yet I have so many words. Bullet points seem to be the only conceivable way to organize my frantic thoughts, so here we go…

  • Physics do exist. Laws of gravity and mechanics and forces acting upon the body are REAL. This is not scientology. What kind of physical force does one have to apply to a female body to GET THOSE LEGS INTO THOSE SHORTS?!?!
  • The amount of chafing this woman is experiencing has to be out of control.
  • If you are a grown woman and you purchased your shorts at Baby Gap, they are not going to fit.
  • This might be the first time I’ve seen someone create junk in the trunk using only back fat.
  • Don’t you think the tramp stamp is a little superfluous at this point?
  • I feel like I’m looking at Augustus Gloop stuck in the chocolate waterfall pipe.
  • Honey, your vagina is SUFFOCATING right now.
  • What kind of heavy machinery is required to get those shorts on and off?!
  • If that amount of fat is spilling out when the shorts are ON, I don’t even want to think about what landslide might await me when those suckers come off.
  • I feel sorry for whatever guy is going to attempt to “get in those pants”. Because that’s a shit ton of hard work and I doubt most guys would be down for that.
  • At least if she decides to go for a casual swim, she has a built-in inner tube. That shit floats.
  • I don’t think I ever fully appreciated how durable denim is.
  • Perhaps my favorite comment on this eye-burning horror of a photo is from Rachel: “She doesn’t just have a muffin top. She has the whole bakery.”

Verdict: There is absolutely 100% NO situation where you should be trying to pull this off. If you looked in the mirror and thought you actually looked GOOD, then you need to visit your eye doctor immediately. Because the cataracts might be getting to you early. In addition, I’m concerned about a severe case of hypoxia because there is very little chance that you are in any way able to take in a full breath. Brain damage is inevitable.

This segues perfectly into an article I read this week on gawker.com by Hamilton Nolan. He is completely in sync with my opinions on the shortening of women’s shorts and he had me at calling them “a gaggle of slatternly harlots”. Sigh. True poetry. I nodded in agreement throughout the entire article, but it wasn’t until I reached the comments that I was stopped dead in my tracks. The first comment, by Hello_My_Lover, stated, “I actually think that the short short hotpants shorts are way more flattering, particularly on ladies with bigger thighs, than the sort of ‘regular’ length shorts”. Wait what?! How is that remotely true?! She goes on to say that regular-length shorts get all “sucked up in the crotch”, whereas hot pants just start scrunched at the beginning. Ladies, your vagina is not quick sand. It will not consume your shorts. If they happen to ride up while you’re walking, you simply pull them down and carry on. The problem for this young woman is, of course, that in order to pull her shorts down, she’s gonna have to do some major digging. Trust me, breathing is fun. And if you take those shorts off (God-willing you’ll only need a shoe horn-like apparatus and not a crane), you too will able to experience what breathing is like.

Photo courtesy of Rachel, courtesy of “her boy Christian”. Christian, you might benefit from a visit to the fire station, because your eyes must be on FIRE.

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