Archive for April 2011

No Pants Sighting of the Day

April 18, 2011

Location: NOLA (New Orleans Lack of pants Association)

Offense: As warm weather is teasing us here in New England and the tantalizingly glorious prospect of day drinking on a roof deck makes my heart go a-flutter, I believe it is time to address the general public about a topic that is so simple, yet so misunderstood and even more mis-implemented: shorts.

Shorts are, in essence, exactly what their name implies: a shorter version of pants. And I like pants, so you would hasten to assume I like shorts as well. Yes and no. Yes: they are a symbol of summer. Of warm weather and jogging along the beach. Of picnics in the park and eating ice cream on a hot, muggy night. But NO: recently, the amount of denim rationed to the making of shorts has seemingly been on the drastic decline because the shorts you see in the stores now can really only fit a small monkey and that’s about it. Half the time I don’t know whether I’m looking at a pair of shorts or some Huggies because that sure as hell looks like a diaper to me. So when it comes to this young woman, waiting patiently at the intersection to cross the street, I hesitate (severely) to put my stamp of approval on those shorts.

Verdict: Someone please call 911 because her shorts are literally choking her ass. We know¬† you have junk in the trunk. You are apparently very proud of it. But I mean seriously, unless you put up some Poster Board sign on a tree that offers me and your fellow neighbors some sweet deals…no one is coming to that garage sale.

Photo courtesy of Alicia, my metropolitan Maryland area no-pants spy. Her subject line when she sent this picture via email? "They walk in New Orleans too".


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