Archive for March 2011

No Pants Sighting of the Day

March 15, 2011

Location: The Harp…allow me to elaborate. This is one of the “Garden bars”, a.k.a. the bars by the TD Garden, a.k.a. where the Celts and Bruins play, and where Lady Gaga has come once a year for the past two years to wreak havoc on the small fraction of dignified, pants-wearing folk we still have living in this city.

Offense: Let’s break down this outfit for a moment. There are no pants to be found. No pants have been entered into this equation. She put 2 and 2 together and it did not equal pants. But what is far more disturbing to me about this “outfit” (or as I like to call it, the remnants of the Christmas wrapping stock), is that there is also no top in sight. All I see is what can only be described as a boob sling. A boob sling, ladies and gentlemen, is much like a baby sling. It wraps around your front and tightly swaddles your little bundle of joy. The bundles of joy in this case are…the ta tas.

Verdict: For heaven’s sake, if your boobs are not broken, fractured or sprained in some way, do not put them in a sling. Because every time one of those suckers comes loose–which it inevitably will (and did, according to my eyewitnesses)–you have to scoop it up like a lump of silicone-flavored ice cream. There’s a much better cone to put that ice cream in…it’s called a bra. Top it with a shirt. Mmm, just like sprinkles.

Ribbons are good for several things: wrapping presents, rhythmic gymnastics, and adorning the fake ponytails belonging to adolescent cheerleaders. But the last thing I want to do is untie some ribbon and have your fun bags fall into my lap.

No Pants Sighting of the Day

March 6, 2011

Location: Outside Felt (club in Boston that’s halfway between Downtown Crossing and Chinatown, and is also halfway between Slutsville and Skanktown)

Offense: Here I’ve always thought that spanx were to be worn UNDERNEATH one’s clothing, but I’ve clearly been mistaken all these years. My bad. I’m clearly not up to speed with the latest fashion trends. When you think about it, that really does make things simple doesn’t it? First of all, you don’t need underwear. You just don’t need it. You also don’t need to purchase actual clothes. Just go to your local KMart, pick up a package of spanx for $5.99, and voila! You’re ready for a night out on the town. And do we think that this underwear/clothing fusion will insulate the legs and protect the skin from the 30 degree weather that is still present in Boston? Not in the slightest. Get back on your rocker already.

Verdict: Quoth Becca: “SOMEONE’S here to see her gynocologist!”

I swear this was not a Photoshop effect, but bizarrely enough, as soon as I snapped the picture, the dress FUSED itself to her ass. As if holding on for dear life. This is 127 Hours: the no pants version.


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