A Conversation of Hybrid Proportions

Hybrids have all sorts of fun words associated with them: composite, cross-breeding, genetic manipulation, heterogeneous elements. And through the miracles of science and technology, certain hybrids have catapulted us into what will likely be the future of planet Earth. Hybrid cars = good for the environment, hybrid dogs = often very cute, hybrid television = trashy reality TV with a profound message. But a few hybrids, in the pants jeanus (get it? That’s a play on the word “genus” if you didn’t pick up on it…scientific pun…), are disturbing to me. They have hybrid names and are a composite of two breeds of pants; but in these cases, the sum is NOT greater than the parts. To what am I referring? Why, jeggings and pajama jeans.

Let me start with jeggings. They are leggings made to look like jeans. They are leggings, which often are not worn properly as pants, disguised as jeans. Due to the fact that their popularity is spreading like wild fire and it was the top item on every prepubescent girl’s back-to-school shopping list, I believe that jeggings have not only put the wool over our eyes, they put the whole damn sheep.

Let’s deconstruct jeggings a bit, shall we? The root of the word is “leggings”, and the “j” is merely the letter that makes the word a hybrid. Therefore, it is my belief that the same rules that govern the utilization of leggings should apply (see The Great Leggings Debate of 2009 for rules, exceptions to rules, and overall frivolity). Just because these hybrid pants are adorned with fake pockets doesn’t mean they can honestly be treated and viewed in the same way as jeans. Are people honestly so blind that they cannot distinguish between the two? Listen, ladies, I’m not a fan of jeggings at all because they remind me of something Barbie would wear. I’m talking the disproportionate Barbie with a waist so tiny she’d fall over if she was real; before they made her fat and ugly. Barbie’s jeans never had real pockets…her fingers were fused together anyway so it’s not like she would actually store anything in there.

On to the next hybrid tragedy, for which I saw an actual television commercial this morning. I didn’t think it would get this bad…but I present: pajama jeans. They are spandex “jeans” on the outside, pajamas on the inside. According to the ad, they look so much like jeans you’ll think they were made by a European designer (unlikely…Versace isn’t about to hop that crazy train to spandex town), but so comfortable you’ll want to sleep in them. They also claim that the spandex design fits any body type perfectly…what exactly are the makers of pajama jeans smoking? You mean to tell me that spandex is flattering on everyone? That a 100-pound girl and a 200-pound girl are going to look exactly the same in pajama jeans?? Spandex (or their cotton/spandex blend, to be exact) is the material that highlights every imperfection and curve you’ve got. You don’t stand a chance if you’re trying to hide anything. Just quit while you’re ahead.

So here are my parting words for you, my Find Your Pants enthusiasts (and victims): jeggings and pajama jeans are RIDICULOUS. You look RIDICULOUS in them. They will never be anything but RIDICULOUS. I know hybrids may be the way of the future, but let’s cherish the past. Keep the cross-breeding to a minimum and stick with a sturdy pair of jeans…real jeans.

If you want proof of the train wreck of an invention that is pajama jeans, check out the video below or their website at www.pajamajeans.com.

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