Archive for November 2010

No Pants Sighting of the Day

November 22, 2010

Location: Downtown Crossing T station

Offense: I should really call this a “No Clothes Sighting of the Day”, because honey, it’s about 3 degrees above freezing in Boston, and you are wearing that. No coat, no pants, no shirt that wasn’t procured from the children’s department…really an all-around atrocity of an outfit. Now since she was wearing obnoxiously loud metallic pink booty shorts, my eye zeroed in on her. However, she was accompanied by a gaggle of other no-clothes-wearers…once they boarded the train and broke out into a rendition of “Time Warp” complete with violent pelvic thrusting movements from “Rocky Horror”, I understood ever so slightly more what the hell was going on…but…

Verdict: …Halloween already happened kids. The time to dress like fools and rock out to Rocky Horror came and went, like nearly a month ago. I have a hard time believing that in a group of nearly 15, not one of these no pants enthusiasts would own a calendar. So nice try, but no dice. This is a little less Rocky Horror and a little more just plain horror.

 

Response from Lukas to this outfit: "She's so confused...she's confusing me!" Alas, it is indeed a conundrum. I can't imagine ever opening my closet and pulling out a pair of metallic pink booty shorts.

I find it hard to believe that anyone who isn't a 14-year-old semi-professional gymnast should be wearing a top like that.

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If You Say It On Oprah…Then It MUST Be True!

November 18, 2010

I received the following text from my best friend at 4:03pm on Thursday, November 18: “Carson just declared on Oprah that leggings are NOT pants!” Well I’ll be damned. I’ve seen similar sentiments in a smattering of online blogs, or discussed among friends, or even in various entertainment magazines. But I never, I mean NEVER expected that pants, the item of clothing I fight oh so hard for and comfort when scorn is brought upon them by countless pantsless women, would ever be privileged enough to experience the “Oprah Effect”. What is the Oprah Effect, exactly? Well allow me to indulge you with a few examples (from popeater.com):

We Take The Cake – In 2003, Lori Karmel bought a floundering mail order business which later became We Take the Cake. The business only turned a $19 profit in 2004. But the company was pulled from the brink of bankruptcy after becoming one of Oprah’s Favorite Things. Ten-thousand cakes were sold after the show and today it is a million dollar business.

Spanx – In 2000, Oprah chose Spanx shape wear as one of her “Favorite Things.” The Atlanta-based clothing company quickly sold $50,000 worth of products in just three months.

Music Impact – When the Black Eyed Peas performed on this year’s ‘The Oprah Winfrey Show’ season opener, the band’s album sales jumped 29 percent. And when Whitney Houston gave a two-part interview to Oprah, her album sales shot up 77 percent. ***Author’s addendum: when Oprah endorsed the Christmas album from my favorite artist of all time, Josh Groban, the album jumped to #1 on the Billboard charts the next week, stayed there for 5 weeks and broke several Billboard records, and Josh became the number 1 selling artist of 2007. How’s that for “Oprah Effect”. LOVE it.

Barack Obama – In her first public endorsement, Winfrey gave Barack Obama’s presidential campaign her seal of approval, which a University of Maryland study found may have netted him one million votes. During the election campaign, she even snubbed Sarah Palin by not inviting her to be on her show. (But that changed this week when she invited Palin to chat about her memoir ‘Going Rogue.’)

The fact that improper use of leggings goes against one of Carson Kressley’s fashion rules is HUGE and makes me beyond ecstatic. While he finds them to be a great layering piece, he cautions to wear something over them because THEY ARE NOT PANTS! I can only imagine how the Oprah Effect will manifest when it comes to pants. Will there be an instant spike in jean sales? Will girls start justifying their fashion choices by starting with, “Well Oprah said…”? Will there be a decrease in the amount of opportunities I get to take pictures of girls not wearing pants? Well that one’s unlikely, but hey, a girl can dream…

My bottom line: I want Find Your Pants to be endorsed by Oprah. It’s a lofty…incredibly lofty…goal, but I just feel that if I really want to make a tangible difference in this increasingly pantsless world, I need an ally. A big ally. One who affects economic trends, consumer purchases and is literally one of the most influential figures on the planet. Plus, Oprah gets major brownie points for actually wearing pants. Walk the walk, eh? Oprah and Carson, I salute you. I commend your fashion choices, especially when they align with my own. And MOST especially, when they align…with pants.

A Conversation of Hybrid Proportions

November 9, 2010

Hybrids have all sorts of fun words associated with them: composite, cross-breeding, genetic manipulation, heterogeneous elements. And through the miracles of science and technology, certain hybrids have catapulted us into what will likely be the future of planet Earth. Hybrid cars = good for the environment, hybrid dogs = often very cute, hybrid television = trashy reality TV with a profound message. But a few hybrids, in the pants jeanus (get it? That’s a play on the word “genus” if you didn’t pick up on it…scientific pun…), are disturbing to me. They have hybrid names and are a composite of two breeds of pants; but in these cases, the sum is NOT greater than the parts. To what am I referring? Why, jeggings and pajama jeans.

Let me start with jeggings. They are leggings made to look like jeans. They are leggings, which often are not worn properly as pants, disguised as jeans. Due to the fact that their popularity is spreading like wild fire and it was the top item on every prepubescent girl’s back-to-school shopping list, I believe that jeggings have not only put the wool over our eyes, they put the whole damn sheep.

Let’s deconstruct jeggings a bit, shall we? The root of the word is “leggings”, and the “j” is merely the letter that makes the word a hybrid. Therefore, it is my belief that the same rules that govern the utilization of leggings should apply (see The Great Leggings Debate of 2009 for rules, exceptions to rules, and overall frivolity). Just because these hybrid pants are adorned with fake pockets doesn’t mean they can honestly be treated and viewed in the same way as jeans. Are people honestly so blind that they cannot distinguish between the two? Listen, ladies, I’m not a fan of jeggings at all because they remind me of something Barbie would wear. I’m talking the disproportionate Barbie with a waist so tiny she’d fall over if she was real; before they made her fat and ugly. Barbie’s jeans never had real pockets…her fingers were fused together anyway so it’s not like she would actually store anything in there.

On to the next hybrid tragedy, for which I saw an actual television commercial this morning. I didn’t think it would get this bad…but I present: pajama jeans. They are spandex “jeans” on the outside, pajamas on the inside. According to the ad, they look so much like jeans you’ll think they were made by a European designer (unlikely…Versace isn’t about to hop that crazy train to spandex town), but so comfortable you’ll want to sleep in them. They also claim that the spandex design fits any body type perfectly…what exactly are the makers of pajama jeans smoking? You mean to tell me that spandex is flattering on everyone? That a 100-pound girl and a 200-pound girl are going to look exactly the same in pajama jeans?? Spandex (or their cotton/spandex blend, to be exact) is the material that highlights every imperfection and curve you’ve got. You don’t stand a chance if you’re trying to hide anything. Just quit while you’re ahead.

So here are my parting words for you, my Find Your Pants enthusiasts (and victims): jeggings and pajama jeans are RIDICULOUS. You look RIDICULOUS in them. They will never be anything but RIDICULOUS. I know hybrids may be the way of the future, but let’s cherish the past. Keep the cross-breeding to a minimum and stick with a sturdy pair of jeans…real jeans.

If you want proof of the train wreck of an invention that is pajama jeans, check out the video below or their website at www.pajamajeans.com.


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