Archive for October 2010

No Pants Sighting of the Day: Halloween Edition Part II

October 31, 2010

Location: Salem, MA (see Halloween Edition Part I for a list of other aliases)

Offense: Well, you have two guys running down the street in women’s Baywatch-style bathing suits. So you fill in the blanks on this one.

Verdict: Apparently these sans pants guys are supposed to be magnets…magnets, by definition, are supposed to attract things. The only thing you are attracting right now, gentlemen, is a crowd of people ridiculing you. You AND your not-so-magnetic asses. Bathing suits like this are designed for women for a reason. I guess it does take balls to run around town like this…but speaking of balls…thank the sweet lord we’re not seeing this shot from the front.

 

Another gem from Lukas, who is a staunch supporter of my Find Your Pants movement. For this, I thank him. To think that this was the town where countless witches were hanged...and now we're subjected to this crime against humanity.

No Pants Sighting of the Day: Halloween Edition Part I

October 31, 2010

Location: Salem, MA a.k.a. the Halloween Capital of the World a.k.a. Frightening No Pantsville, USA

Offense: You don’t need Sherlock, Angela Lansbury OR Scooby Doo to crack this mystery…your ass, in undeniable fashion, is hanging out. And frankly, my dear, I do give a damn.

Verdict: Halloween, in this day and age, is the scariest holiday of the year…not because of ghosts, psycho killers and anyone dressed up as Snooki; but rather because there is on average a 237.4% spike in the amount of people not wearing pants. It’s alarming. The thing about this no pants victim that causes me to throw my hands up in exasperation and roll my eyes in such violent fashion that they practically roll into the back of my head is that her ass DID NOT NEED TO BE EXPOSED. Her skirt actually hasn’t reached danger zone level yet. Her problem is that backpack! Ladies, allow me to take this opportunity to once again make a PSA on your behalf. ANY item that you carry on your shoulder has the very real potential of causing the contents of your outfit to shift during flight. Shirts, skirts, dresses, and even coats can fall prey to this side effect. Be smart. Keep the contents of your ass secure. It’s the safe option for all parties involved.

Photo courtesy of Lukas, whose Salem residence is both convenient for catching these myriad Halloween no pants moments, and convenient for providing endless folly for me.

No Pants Sighting of the Day

October 6, 2010

Location: The pantsless streets of Boston

Offense: We can blatantly, obviously, clearly, transparently, unmistakably, and visibly see your underwear.

Verdict: For the last time. Tights. Are. Not. Pants. This seems to befuddle the women-kind of my fair city. Tights are made from a different material than pants. Tights have a different name than pants. Tights start with the letter “T”, whilst pants start with the letter “P”. They are completely and utterly opposite. You wear tights for any kind of dancing (ribbon included), whereas you wear pants for REAL LIFE. Since this seems to mystify so many, I feel it is my obligation to provide visual representation as to the distinct game-changer that separates tights from pants. Please refer to Appendix A below for further details.

 

Photo courtesy of Karen "Kickass" Boss's friend, Michael, who assumed this was a Boston University student, when in fact it was a 45-year-old woman.

 

 

In case you didn't catch the nauseating effect of this No Pants Sighting, here's a little taste of the zoom function.

 

 

Appendix A: This is a pair of my ballet tights. Notice the seam. This is a fundamentally different seam than that which you will see on pants. Please make a mental and physical note of this (Post-Its work great), as this will greatly aid you in discerning pants from tights in the future.

 


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