Gaga’s Meat Dress: It’s What’s for Dinner

In elementary school science class, we learned about renewable vs. nonrenewable resources. Oil vs. solar power vs. coal vs. wind…you remember this, right? Well there was one nonrenewable resource that no one ever taught me about in science…fabric.

For centuries, clothing has been constructed from fabric. If you’ve ever watched Project Runway and seen the hopeful contestants shop at Mood, you’d understand how exciting and captivating fabric is to designers. Cotton, silk, satin, denim–decades have been defined by certain types of fabric and despite good and bad trends in fashion, the fabric choices have remained the same. But apparently, without my realizing, there is a shortage on fabric resources. Fabric is an endangered species and rationing is essential to keeping fabric around.

Last night’s MTV VMAs proved that our fabric resources are on the decline. Not only does that graph have a negative slope, the situation is apparently DIRE. Instead of taffeta, we got slabs of beef. Instead of twill, we got fish netting. Instead of chiffon, we got a bedazzled Hefty bag. What we saw was an awards show thrown together by McGuyver.

So what was up with all that meat? Did that outfit happen after Lady Gaga was asked how she’d like her hamburger cooked? Raw, please. Well, according to Gaga, “Well, it’s certainly no disrespect to anyone that’s vegan or vegetarian….I, as you know, am the most judgment-free human being on Earth. However, it has many interpretations — but for me this evening it’s that if we don’t stand up for what we believe in, if we don’t fight for our rights, pretty soon we’re gonna have as much rights as the meat on our bones.” And in response to her recent cover of Japanese Hommes Vogue in a meat bikini, Gaga said, “I am NOT a piece of meat.” Really? Because that wasn’t exactly the vibe you were putting out there…

Cher wore vintage no-pants with a fishnet bikini get-up (If I could turn back time, I’d ask her not to wear that anymore), while Ke$ha proved she’s just as trashy as everyone says by wearing a trash bag dress and some nasty rope hair that she probably stole from Rapunzel. Granted, these pantsless fashion choices were not the only cringe-worthy moments of the VMAs; host Chelsea Handler completely bombed and even her attempts at shock-humor with jokes about black people and herpes weren’t enough to save that sinking ship. I did chuckle at one (I repeat, just one) comment of hers, after she announced she had watched all the nominated videos in preparation for the show:

“One thing I learned is that Lady Gaga and Beyonce don’t like wearing pants. Enough with the adult onesies ladies…you look leo-tarded.”

Thanks Chelsea! It didn’t redeem your comments about not getting body searched for weapons since you were white…but I appreciated the sentiment. (Congrats Chelsea, you just got your first good review!)

Look, I appreciate a flair for the creative and nothing that Gaga wears should really shock me anymore, but come on now folks, fabric is the foundation of all clothing. Fabric is the essence of pants. It is the heart and SOUL of pants and should be treasured. Handled with care, if you will. Hand-washed and dried flat. Otherwise before we know it, fabric will become extinct and we’ll be wearing household appliances for clothes. And do I really want measuring cups covering my boobs? Hmmm nope, I’ll stick with a T-shirt, thank you very much.

PETA was outraged. There are rumors that the dress was infested with maggots. Attractive. Really.

Inspired by Ke$ha, I'm going to attend my next party in a collection of Ziploc baggies trimmed in Reynold's Wrap and lined with paper towels.

Explore posts in the same categories: Sans Pants

One Comment on “Gaga’s Meat Dress: It’s What’s for Dinner”

  1. terri Says:

    There is a very logical reason I avoid the MTV/VMA awards. I’m a fabric fan. Polished cottons for drapes, cotton twill for slacks, rayon for skirts, cotton for shirts, you get the picture. And pants. Must have pants. These outfits are all about publicity and attention; never about fashion. Meat?? Plastic bags?? c’mon. Definite NO PANTS violation.

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