There’s No Pants in Baseball

Strike one was flipping the bird to photogs at a Mets game. Strike two was allegedly downing whiskey and groping her chest in the Yankees Clubhouse. The common denominators of this wild pitch are that the offender is none other than Lady Gaga (duh…who did you think I was talking about?) and she was not wearing pants in both incidents (duh…squared). Well get ready folks, grab a hot dog and a beer since this Find Your Pants entry will be overflowing with baseball references and this is likely the only chance I’ll get to connect pants and my love for the Boston Red Sox. At least they wear pants at Fenway.

Here’s how this Yankees debacle apparently played out, complete with color commentary from yours truly:

Rounding second base: Gaga was flaunting her Yankees…umm…pride with a jersey. But apparently her boobs were too suffocated underneath that polyester so they were hanging free in a black lace bra. They needed air, damnit! Let those suckers breathe! Now see, if George Costanza had only successfully pushed through the cotton jersey idea, we wouldn’t be having this problem.

Diving to third: Let’s see, what complements a jersey? A skirt? Some might say yes. Capris? Perhaps. Wait. Ahh of course, black lace underwear! Nothing says throw back a beer, crack open some peanuts, and spit in the dugout like lacy underwear. Just makes you want to chew some tobacco wrapped in bubble gum, right? Me too! Just think, if you were rich enough to get seats at Yankee Stadium even remotely close to where Gaga was sitting, you could sit in the chair where her bare ass was! What a thrill!

6-4-3 double play: After the game, she stumbled her way into the Clubhouse, where she was “drinking Jameson Irish Whiskey, meeting players including Alex Rodriguez, and repeatedly ‘groping her chest over her jersey'” (source: Huffington Post). Now that’s sexy.

Yer outta here!: GM Brian Cashman was apparently pissed that the Gagster had charmed her way past security (read: security guards were powerless against her super-crotch, which has the uncanny ability to bust out of pants with lightning-fast speed), and banned her.

Ref what are you, blind? Reverse that call!: Sike! Gaga wasn’t banned at all! According to Cashman, “celebrities aren’t banned” and Gags just has to follow the “ground rules” and not be in the Clubhouse after a loss. After a win, that’s a different story I’m sure. She could be spraying champagne from her boobs and I bet the Yankees would eat it up. Nothing like that for post-game entertainment. (Thanks for your thoughtful comments, Cashman. Good to know that the Yankees have no ulterior agenda when it comes to celebrities. Shout-out to Theo!)

So what have we learned today, kids? Wearing your underwear to sporting events is completely acceptable. I’m sure it is also ok to wear underwear to similar spectator events like parades, your high school graduation, and hell let’s hit a home run here and throw your wedding in there too (wedding dresses are darn expensive, after all). Also, you can grope your boobs and take shots of whiskey around a locker room of naked guys, just as long as you don’t do it after the team loses. Facts of life, kids. Tom Hanks may say there’s no crying in baseball, but this makes me cry a little bit on the inside. Weep softly, if you will.

All I can say to this is check out the dude behind her. Creepy or just disturbed by what he sees? It's a toss up.

Just dance, Gaga.

Explore posts in the same categories: Sans Pants

One Comment on “There’s No Pants in Baseball”

  1. terri Says:

    Brilliant. Just brilliant.

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