Archive for March 2010

No Pants Sighting of the Day

March 26, 2010

Location: American Apparel

Offense: How ironic that this girl is not wearing pants in a store that doesn’t sell pants. American Apparel sells tights, unitards, and hideous concoctions made of lace. So can I really put the blame on her?

Verdict: Yes I can. Honey, there is nothing about what you’re wearing that says “dress” to me. I see shirt. I see legs. There’s something missing here…unless of course, they’ve invented pants made of saran wrap, and I’m not even going to comment on the absurdity of that prospect. Put the shirt back in your boyfriend’s closet.

Photo courtesy of Dana, proud pants-wearer since 1986.

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Find Your Pants on the Road: Close Encounters of the Baltimoron Kind

March 23, 2010

Here I thought that people didn’t wear pants in Boston. Then I traveled to Baltimore. Holy hell. The lack of pants was both astounding and terrifying. I realize that this past weekend was the first gorgeous few days we’ve had yet and the sun can make people do crazy things…but girls were practically jumping out of their pants right there on the street. I pondered the fact that spring has sprung and it’s hanging out of your too-short skirt with my Find Your Pants accomplice for the day, Alicia, who grew up dancing with me and knows a thing or two about when it’s a bad idea to wear a leotard. Whereas I normally work alone to surreptitiously gather my “No Pants Sightings of the Day”, capturing those lacking pants was exponentially easier with a partner in crime. After spending a day with me and my camera, Alicia just may be ready to accept a position in my new House of Pants Representatives for Maryland. There is capacity for an infinite number of city and state House of Pants reps–please send a resume and a photo of you wearing pants (necessary background check) to findyourpants@gmail.com.

A Tour of Baltimoron-Land

You can't see it in this pic, but her hair was all sorts of jacked up as well. If you wear shorts, do the math. They should be longer than your shirt for heaven's sake.

My recommendation: please walk away from me now, reassess this train wreck of an outfit, and get back to me when you have some semblance of fashion. The 80s already happened...awhile ago.

Put on some pants. Do it for your kid. And PS, the bright pink bra strap isn't like that cute necklace that just completes the outfit. It's actually the opposite.

If you buy your skirts from the children's department, you're going to be featured on this blog. It's that simple.

Why did you cut a perfectly normal-length skirt to bits? Who has the other half?

Need I say anything? I didn't think so.

There are so many things wrong with this outfit, the culotte overalls are the least of her worries.

I'm including this one because he's wearing child-sized pants. They don't reach all the way to the top OR bottom.

It's hard to focus on pretty daffodils when your ass is distracting me. Girls, I will say this one more time. Clothes that fit you=flattering. This=hell to the no.


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