Archive for February 2010

No Pants Sighting of the Day

February 24, 2010

Location: Macy’s in Boston

Offense: A.) There’s just something not right about the fact your legs are cheese-colored. I mean, we’re already dealing with a cottage cheese situation here; let’s not introduce leggings the color of Kraft singles into the mix. B.) If I wanted to take Hugh Hefner’s red satin PJs, wrap them around my legs, tie a bow, and call them boots, I would. However, I do not want to do that.

Verdict: Cheese is delicious. Not when it’s all over your legs.

Photo courtesy of Shannon. In her words, "This lack of pants is brought to you by Cabot Extra Sharp Cheddar…"

No Pants Sighting of the Day

February 9, 2010

Location: Photo gallery on Kiss108.com, a Boston radio station.

Offense: I’ve never seen so many va-jay-jays blurred out by stars, hearts, and the word “oops!” in my life.

Verdict: Celebrities, for the love of God, put some pants on. At the very least, put some panties on.

“Celebs Without Pants”

Thanks to Lynn for bringing this gallery to my attention!

Who Dat Not Wearing Pants?

February 9, 2010

Stock is down on pants. The economic downturn has affected jobs, finances, and people all over the country have had to make some tough decisions about the way they live their lives and plan their futures. People have had to go without some of the comforts they grew accustomed to during times of prosperity. Apparently the economy has gotten so bad that people have decided to go without pants.

Did anyone watch the Superbowl? Fantastic game. Go Saints. Did you watch the commercials? Funny stuff. Just like everyone else, I’m sure, plenty of jokes passed around the room about the Tim Tebow abortion commercial and that 15-second David Letterman plug that no one saw coming. Traditionally, many of the commercials target men. Beer, cars and Doritos are the mainstays from year to year. So when I saw back-to-back commercials where men weren’t wearing pants, I had a minor heart attack.

First was the Career Builder “Casual Friday” spot. Ladies and gentlemen, THAT is what would happen if your office didn’t wear pants. No one wants to see that. That’s how real people look without pants; it’s not the smoke and mirrors fantasy land where everyone not wearing pants has a model’s body. So thank you, Career Builder, for repulsing Americans enough to hopefully put some pants back on. Love the subliminal messaging–it’s not so much about getting a new job, but rather a new pair of pants.

If that wasn’t bad enough, the double whammy was Dockers’ ad: “Men Without Pants”. Here I’ve been focusing on the ladies and their pantsless ways this whole time, and completely neglected how men could be affected by this trend. You know shit’s goin down with pants if a pants company has chosen a marketing campaign with the message wear the pants. Has Dockers lost so much of their pants investment that they have to turn to GIVING AWAY FREE PANTS in order to get people to wear them??? (Visit http://www.dockers.com/freepants) This is the ultimate contentious affair. To me, this screams desperation. Dockers should hire the Career Builder guy. He seems to appreciate pants, and might have some ideas for your marketing department on how to get your customers back.

Invest in pants. Make pants part of your five-year economic plan. Thinking about mutual funds? How about you think about mutual pants. Help Dockers out and buy some freaking pants from them; spur that economy. It’s worth it to have a few pairs of solid pants in the end. Those pants can be passed on to your children and grandchildren: Pants are an investment in your future.

No Pants Sighting of the Day

February 6, 2010

Location: Orange Line, Boston MBTA

Offense: I can’t tell if you’re wearing some form of leggings, or if your legs are experiencing an extreme case of frost bite.

Verdict: Either put some pants on for the former offense, or seek medical attention immediately for the latter.

Photo courtesy of my fantastic co-worker, Steph. I have no pants spies all over this city.

How Your Pants Can Define You

February 4, 2010

When most of us think about what truly defines us, we first think of our personality, unique aspects of our appearance, intelligence or sense of humor. A secondary thought might be that our clothing defines us: if you’re an athlete, fans know you by the number on the back of your jersey; if you’re a chef, restaurant patrons know you by the white coat you don; and if you’re a firefighter, residents know you by the dalmatian that is sitting by your side. Ok, maybe it’s more apparent you’re a firefighter because you arrived in a large red truck with a siren and a hose. But now we’re getting into semantics.

What we don’t necessarily think of right off the bat is that our lack of clothing can define us far more than our…un-lack of clothing. When I wear jeans and walk down the street, no one gives me a second glance. When a girl wears booty shorts walking down the street, she’s gonna get more than one person to turn around and take notice. You sure as hell better believe that I’m not only going to give you a second look, I’m going to let out an audible sigh and tell anyone around me (including the air) that you’re not wearing pants.

This is what I consider to be troubling. Celebrities and ordinary citizens alike are making a name for themselves by not wearing pants. Being sans pants is now a defining characteristic…and I am not happy about it. Sure, it gives me myriad material to write this blog, but at its core, the no pants trend is a disturbing piece of foreshadowing to where our country is heading. And with that, I give you Lady Gaga’s successor, Kesha.

Kesha’s song “Tik Tok”, what some will deem a “smash hit”, is nothing more than annoying. They play it every half hour on the half hour on the radio, right after Gaga’s “Bad Romance”. Though Kesha is a different breed than Gaga. Joan Rivers and the E! Fashion Police crew called her “dirty” in response to her Grammy ensem. They called you “dirty”, sweetheart. And they weren’t even talking about a Jersey Shore cast member. Regardless, she runs her trashy mouth about how she doesn’t wear pants. Congratulations, now you’re officially dirty and pantsless. What an admirable combination. Don’t believe me? Check out her comments to Entertainment Weekly:

Well good for you, Kesha. You try to define yourself by not wearing pants and end up just being compared to the ultimate no-pants-wearer, Gaga. Way to make a name for yourself. On the other hand, an otherwise ordinary citizen, Larry Platt, defined himself through pants as well. If he had never set foot on the American Idol audition stage and belted out the genius hit, “Pants on the Ground”, he wouldn’t be the household name he is today. Dude, Brett Favre sang your song in the Vikings locker room. I’m not a huge Favre fan and I think he needs to go away and actually mean it this time, but that’s big. Finally, someone who is defined by his appreciation of pants, and not his lack thereof. Hallelujah.

If you’re a fan of pants as much as I am, let us all join hands and embrace our pants. Let’s not only embrace them, but let’s wear them. Let us define ourselves by the clothes we wear, and not those which we do not. (Am I the only one hearing the violin music playing and the American flag waving as a watermark behind me?) Stand up for pants! Yes we can!…wear pants.


%d bloggers like this: