Archive for January 2010

No Pants Sighting of the Day

January 29, 2010

Location: North End, Boston (Why do all my no pants sightings take place on my own street??)

Offense: Those tights aren’t doing a very good job of covering for the dress that’s riding up your ass.

Verdict: If you’re going to wear a dress that is barely a dress, wear tights that in fact qualify as tights.

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Pants on the Ground

January 15, 2010

Pants are really making a name for themselves in the news lately. First they get tossed aside in the national, mass anti-pants demonstration that was the No Pants T/Metro/Subway/BART/any variation therein Ride. Then, just when they’re trying to  pick themselves off the ground and back onto the legs of the humans who forsake them, it happens: “Pants on the Ground”. I’m a big fan of a catchy dance song. Especially when there are accompanying dance moves. So I give a high five to 62-year-old “General” Larry Platt, who truly comprehends the value of a good pair of good old-fashioned pants. Not only does Larry express his disgust for ill-fitting pants, he ventures to call those who wear droopy pants “fools”. Larry, you’re my hero:

Now most people are quite pleased by Larry’s display of his fine talents at original composition on American Idol. Was anyone upset by it? According to The Huffington Post, apparently yes. “According to the University of Minnesota’s Davis Logsdon, who has been conducting a yearlong survey of the attitudes of people who wear their trousers in a droopy manner, the song is ‘no laughing matter to the millions of Americans who have made a choice to wear their pants on the ground,'” says the Post. Furthermore, “Professor Logsdon indicated that even some of the song’s lyrics that do not deal directly with the ‘pants on the ground’ issue have offended low-pants-wearing individuals. ‘Many people who wear their pants on the ground do not wear their hats turned sideways,’ he said. ‘They strongly believe that there should be entirely separate song about that'” (Huffington Post, 1/15/10).

I’m not entirely sure I sympathize with the plight of the droopy-pants-wearing folk, but I do have to think of how this translates to the population I’m trying to reach: the ladies. While the song has its merits for the female crowd, the message isn’t quite that which I would want to promote. Ladies, I’d like to make this quite clear (if I haven’t beaten into your heads already): I want pants to be on your legs, not on the ground. If you need to write that on a Post-It, please do. So naturally, I wrote a song about it. And thank you Larry, for the inspiration:

“Pants Not Around”

Pants not around

Pants not around

Lookin’ like a fool wit your pants not around

With the tights on your legs

Skirt flyin’ upwards

Call yourself a fly girl

Lookin’ like a fool

Walkin’ around downtown [Boston] wit your pants not around!

Now if that wasn’t enough catchy goodness for you, I’ll break you off a little piece of the remix. You can thank me later.

Let’s Stick With Using Lace for Doilies

January 13, 2010

I coincidentally found this on the back cover of the latest Boston Phoenix, on the ground as I walked back from the infamous No Pants T Ride. My first reaction was: “Good God, that’s hideous.” And it is. My second reaction was, “When would you EVER have the desire to wear that much lace?” In my opinion, it all boils down to the fact that less is more when is comes to lace. There are times when using lace is optimal, even preferred. The key is using it in appropriate doses. Take lingerie, for example. If you want to wear a minuscule bra and tiny panties made completely out of lace for that special someone, be my guest. That special someone will most likely appreciate it. A lot. On the other hand, take a wedding dress. A dress made from head to toe lace? Faux pas. The ’80s happened decades ago, and even Madonna has grown out of her “Like a Virgin”-circa-the-1984-VMAs phase. But a touch of lace as an accent here and there? Completely acceptable. You might even get a compliment or two.

THIS monstrosity, made by American Apparel, is the complete opposite of classy. It is also the complete opposite of pants. I’m venturing to say that I know for a fact that the public approval rating of unitards is extremely low. People generally don’t feel comfortable wearing them, and people definitely don’t feel comfortable looking at other people wearing them. With that said, why in the good, pants-wearing world would you ever want to wear a unitard made completely of lace that A.) is see-through and B.) displays every imperfection you’ve got.

As with most things related to clothing not equaling pants, I have no answers for this. I do have a lot of questions. In the meantime, let’s keep this lace-tastrophy where it belongs: the circus.

So Many People, So Little Pants: No Pants T Ride 2010

January 11, 2010

“I was up until 6 a.m. getting really excited. I couldn’t wait to have company without my pants.” It’s true. People like Erik Siersdale, who uttered that quote, are really pumped about taking their pants off. Not only do they want to take their pants off, they prefer to do it in public, and while riding the Boston subway system. January 10 marked the 3rd Annual No Pants T Ride in Boston, an event started nationwide by Improv Everywhere and organized locally by Boston SOS (Societies for Spontaneity). Over 100 people gathered to take part in a most epic no pants display. I spent the day riding the T with guys in boxers, girls in satin underwear and heels, and several confused passengers. Was I horrified? Amused? Shocked? Befuddled? All of the above. As I talked with this throng of no-pants-wearing folk, I gained some insight into the adventure and spontaneity that go along with not wearing pants. Am I convinced? Not in the slightest. But here’s a recap of my day documenting the largest no-pants-display I’ve seen since I’ve been in Boston:

I figured this utter disregard for pants would be a free-for-all. Not the case. The organization and detail put into the event were superb. Here’s how it worked: everyone broke up into smaller groups, and two people assigned themselves to each station along the T route. When in transit to your station, you would take your pants off, get off the train at your designated station, wait for the next train, and get on the same car that you started in. As the ride progressed, more and more people would enter the train sans pants, creating a “waterfall of no pants”, as one participant said.

Why do people do this? Obviously, this was my first question. Here are a few reasons:

“It’s playful, and I’m looking to meet some guys without pants.” ~ Barbara (at least 40 years old)

“I have no problem taking my pants off.” ~ Guy who was with Barbara, also at least 40 years old

“You just get to act out. You get to throw spontaneity in the face of normalcy. People have their pants off all the time, but for some reason, doing it on the train is socially bizarre.” ~ Bennett (Thanks for your appeal to the eloquent, but you’re still not wearing pants, so I’m not taking you that seriously.)

“I was sick with H1N1 a few months ago and I promised the guy upstairs that if I got through it, I would make an effort to live it up more.” ~ older woman who kind of cheated by wearing black tights with her underwear and found out about this event the night before, when her first boyfriend ever friended her on Facebook.

The pantsless people on the T did all they could to appear normal, by listening to their iPods, reading, even doing Sudoku (Erik…who claimed this was “like my favorite day of the year”). What did pants-wearing passengers think? Says one girl, “I think it’s fine, I think it’s a fun idea…but you’re never gonna catch me doing it because it’s 20 degrees out. [At least] they are much more respectful than drunks.” And what was the opinion of T passengers under the age of 10? Says one small Asian child, “Look at those people in their underpants!”

The best documentation I have of the day of no pants is visual. Below is a gallery of pictures to give you a taste of what Bostonians will do to get to take their pants off. Enjoy.

“My Grandmother is Basically Blind…”

January 11, 2010

…is one of Lady Gaga’s reasons for – wait for it – not wearing pants. You may be asking yourself, “What do elderly women and visual impairment have to do with your refusal to don some lower appendage coverings?” Apparently, the answer is, everything. Now I want you to think for a moment about your own Grandma (or Nana, Gram Gram, Grammy…whatever variation on the theme you want), and honestly tell me if you would ever use her as an excuse to not wear pants. If anything, wouldn’t you put on some pants to prevent a potential heart attack or stroke for Grandma that your no-pants-slutty-self would inevitably cause? You might (I hope), but Lady Gaga clearly will not. She is under the delusional impression that Grandma is benefitting from her no-pants-ness. Did I mention the word delusional? Now I’ve held back the full quote from you for this entire paragraph, if nothing else but to mentally prepare you for what you’re about to read. Not only am I about to dump Lady Gaga’s Grandma quote on you, but you’re about to digest a whole truckload of excuses about her terrible pants track record. Enjoy. Judge. Laugh. I don’t really care what your reaction is. I do hope you put some pants on as a result.

“My grandmother is basically blind, but she can make out the lighter parts, like my skin and hair. She says, ‘I can see you, because you have no pants on.’ So I’ll continue to wear no pants so that my grandma can see me.” [OneSource Talent]

Comment: QUOI?????

“The singer was recently stopped by police in Chicago who had some objections to her hot pants. ‘I guess they weren’t really pants at all, but it was really funny because all you saw was this half-naked girl on the street yelling at some cop,’ she told the Daily Star, adding that she tried to reason with the officer. ‘It’s fashion! I’m an artist!’ ” [MTV]

“It’s not that I don’t like pants, I just choose not to wear them some days.” [Softpedia]

“I just don’t feel that it’s all that sexy. It’s weird. And uncomfortable. I look at photos of myself, and I look like such a tranny! It’s amazing! I look like Grace Jones, androgynous, robo, future fashion queen. It’s not what is sexy. It’s graphic, and it’s art. But that’s what’s funny: Well, yeah, I take my pants off, but does it matter if your pants are off if you’ve got eight-inch shoulder pads on, and a hood, and black lipstick and glasses with rocks on them? I don’t know. That’s sexy to me. But I don’t really think anybody’s d- is hard, looking at that. I think they’re just confused, and maybe a little scared.” [EW]

Well at least she has an explanation. She may be a crazy no-pants-wearing-freak, but at least she’s consciously thinking of the well-being of her Grandma, and the “art” of her fashion decisions. Maybe I should forward these quotes to my Grandma and Nana…they wouldn’t understand them in the slightest, but I want them to know that Lady Gaga will be there for them if they go blind. That means a lot, especially if they have the urge to wear a leotard in their 80s.


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