Archive for December 2009

Green Eggs and Pants

December 29, 2009

I was sitting in a packed Old South Church with my sister on Christmas Eve, and noticed a girl in the pew in front of me wearing a plaid shirt as a dress, a black belt, and leggings. I promptly turned to my sister after a rousing “O Come All Ye Faithful” and whispered loudly, “She’s not wearing pants!” My sister emphatically used the Lord’s name in vain and nodded yes, and I immediately thought, “If you won’t wear pants for Jesus, who will you wear pants for?” Now this got me thinking. For whatever reason, my first thought was a bit of a childhood regression–one of the best children’s books ever: Green Eggs and Ham.

When I put 2 and 2 together, this makes perfect sense. We have every reason in the world to teach the precious young girls of this world to wear pants from childhood, and not wait until they are skanky teens to try and preach the wisdom of pants. This book, when you put it in terms of pants, sums up my wear-pants fight, in a nutshell. (***Note: Fun factoid for you–Suess’s publisher bet him $50 he couldn’t write a book using only 50 different words. He ended up writing Green Eggs and Ham. And winning the bet.) So I give you the newest version of this children’s classic: Green Eggs and Pants.

Do you like green eggs and pants?

I do not like them, Sam-I-am. I do not like green eggs and pants.

Would you like them with a dress? Would you like them at their best?

I do not like them with a dress. I do not like them at their best. I do not like them here or there. I do not like them anywhere.

Would you wear them in a church? Would you wear them under a birch?

Not in a church. Not under a birch. I would not wear them here or there. I would not wear them anywhere.

Would you? Could you? In a car? Wear them! Wear them! Here they are.

I would not, could not, in a car.

You may like them. You will see. You may like them in a bar!

Not in a bar! You let me be.

The T! The T! Could you, would you, on the T?

I would not, could not, on the T.

Say! In the park? Here in the park! Would you, could you, in the park?

I would not, could not, in the park.

You do not like green eggs and pants?

I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

Would you, could you, with a coat? Would you, could you, on a boat?

I could not, would not, on a boat. I will not, will not, with a coat. I will not wear them in a church. I will not wear them under a birch. Not in the park! Not on the T! Not in a bar! You let me be! I do not like them here or there, I do not like them ANYWHERE! I do not like green eggs and pants. I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

You do not like them. So you say. Try them! Try them! And you may. Try them and you may, I say…

So will girls try them? Will they listen to Sam-I-am (a.k.a. me) and wear some freaking pants? In a bar? In a car? In a church? Under a birch? Please girls, I beg you. Pants are your friend. If you like Green Eggs and Ham, you’ll like pants, Sam-I-am.


The Metro Rocks My Socks

December 17, 2009

No, I’m not talking about the Washington, D.C. subway system–though that stellar method of underground transport bitch-slaps the Boston T’s face any day. I’m referring to The Metro, the free daily newspaper that is reliably available at any T station and several street corners every day of the week (and you know how I feel about things being reliable). Now I walk to work so I don’t usually pick up a copy, but my fantastic co-worker clipped out the best early Christmas present I could have gotten. The mass media is on my side. Score.

Calling All No Pants Reports!

December 15, 2009

I was ranting about girls forgetting their pants the other day (what else is new) at a volunteer project, and one of my fellow Boston Cares volunteers gave me a fantastic suggestion to add an element to Find Your Pants. I want to hear your stories from the field! Did you spot a horrendous crime against pants but were too apalled or too stunned to take a picture? Does one of your own friends forget her pants and it would be far too awkward for you to expose her ass on this blog but you could tell an anonymous story about her lack of common fashion sense? Well here’s your opportunity my pants wearing friends.

Submit any and ALL stories from the field to and give it me straight. Don’t spare me the gory details. It’s not like I don’t hear your stories already…now I want to publish them.

(PS all names and personal/contact info will be kept confidential and pictures to accompany your story are more than welcome! Afterall, a picture is worth 1,000 words…and Zero pants.)

Thank You Lady Gaga

December 5, 2009

I realize that Lady Gaga is the worst offender of the sans pants phenomenon. I realize that many girls out there see Lady Gaga without pants and feel it is acceptable to carry on in a similar fashion (for the record, it’s not). I realize that Lady Gaga likely didn’t grow out of the phase that many children go through when they prefer to run around naked than to put on constraining outerwear like diapers. But in all her no-pants-debauchery, she has given me a lot of material to write this blog. So without further ado, I’d like to dedicate this entry to Lady Gaga.

Before I jump into my tribute to the Gaga, and while I’m on the subject of thanking people, I’d like to thank Cosmopolitan magazine. Last year I started to get free Cosmos addressed to me in the mail each month. Why? I have no idea. I would never pay for a subscription to this magazine, which I normally find trashy and completely useless–unless of course I want to know the 101 best positions for sex in a bathroom stall.  But in my last free issue, Cosmo taught me why guys love my “weird obsessions”. Phew! Anyway, Cosmo said there are certain things that just make you so you, “like Blair Waldorf and headbands or Lady Gaga and not wearing pants” (November 09 issue). Eureka! Cosmo totally understands my plight! Thank you Cosmo.

Ok back to Gaga. From the very beginning of the brainchild that is now “Find Your Pants”, Gaga just made it SO SIMPLE, just too easy, to completely reword her song lyrics to fit my no pants agenda. Below are some prime examples–and they’re catchy too! Sing along!

“Just Dance” becomes (duh)…”Wear Pants”:

Wear pants! Gonna be ok, da da doo-doo-mmm

Wear pants! Put those Gap jeans on, da da doo-doo-mmm

Wear pants! Gonna be ok, p-p-pants

Pants, pants, wear, w-w-wear pants

“Poker Face” becomes…”Your Ass in My Face”:

Find your pants, find your pants

You will feel good if you find your pants

(She’s gotta wear those pants now)

F-f-f-find your pants, f-f-f-find your pants

“Bad Romance” becomes…”Bad No Pants”:

I want your cuffs and I want your inseam

You and me could stand to wear some pants

I want my ass to not be hanging out

You and me, we got some bad no pants

So I salute you, Lady Gaga–and trust me this will be the one and only time–for infuriating me enough with your no pants nonsense to get me to write a blog about it. My pants are off to you. Not really. That’s just a play on words.

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