Archive for November 2009

Button Up Your Overcoat: You Forgot Your Pants

November 15, 2009

I Googled “forgot your pants” the other day, and needless to say a number of interesting things popped up. The top search results were pictures of Anne Hathaway on some entertainment website where she, naturally, had forgotten to wear pants in public. But celebrities have such hatred toward pants these days that I really wasn’t fazed. There were also a couple of blog entries written on the discovery that several Star Wars lines can be rewritten by substituting in the word “pants” and suddenly they’re hilarious. For instance, “I find your lack of pants disturbing”, “Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants”, “I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants”, and “Search your pants, Luke. You know it’s true”. Granted I can’t appreciate the full humor of these line substitutions when I’ve never seen the three original Star Wars movies (I’ll call blasphemy on myself, don’t get all in a tizzy). But I do appreciate the creativity that pants can bring to a situation.

The search result that got me a little excited was on IMDb; Season 18, Episode 27 of the Red Skelton Show: “Button Up Your Overcoat: You Forgot Your Pants”.

Upon doing some research into the origins of the Red Skelton Show, Wikipedia informed me that it was a variety TV show, originally airing in the early 1950s and running through the 70s. In that time, it won three Emmys and competed with Gunsmoke and the Ed Sullivan Show for ratings. Unfortunately I searched everywhere and couldn’t find a plot synopsis for “Button Up Your Overcoat: You Forgot Your Pants”, so naturally I concluded that maybe it was fitting to think about what a modern-day version of this episode would look like…

Red Skelton played a character named George Appleby in this episode, and other characters included “Grizzled Old Prospector”, Gloria Loring as herself, and the Tom Hansen Dancers as…themselves. I see the potential for some High School Musical action here…only with pants! Cue music! (This is the part where I insert the word “pants” into High School Musical song titles if you didn’t pick up on that.)

“Get’cha Pants in the Game”

“Stick to the Status Pants”

“We’re All in Pants Together”

“I Can’t Take My Pants Off You”

Funny, right? Could Lady Gaga play the Grizzled Old Prospector who refuses to see the virtue of pants? Could the Jabbawockeez play the modern-day Tom Hansen Dancers and communicate for pants through the eyes of dance? It’s an exciting prospect.

It’s time to bring the classic variety show formula back to today’s TV line-up. And I think the way to bring it back with a bang is with pants (keyword “with”). NBC if you’re reading this, I will gladly write you a pilot.

No Pants Sighting of the Day

November 12, 2009

Location: North End, Boston

Offense: I mean come on.

Verdict: Anyone standing any further than 3 feet away from you thinks you are completely naked from the waist down. Holy no pants.

best no pants 001

The Great Leggings Debate of 2009

November 8, 2009

There have been a lot of great debates in our history: the Presidential debates that grace us with their presence every four years (and are then parodied on Saturday Night Live in hilarious fashion), the age-old evolution vs. creation debate (everyone has to remember reading Inherit the Wind in high school), and the argument over the correct pronunciation of “tomato”. But a recent debate has cropped up over the legitmacy of leggings as pants. In one corner, we have the pro-leggings folks, who believe that leggings alone without a long sweater, dress or skirt count as pants. In the other corner, there are the anti-leggings individuals, who, like me, are firmly against the usage of leggings as single pants entities. In my opinion–and I’m about to make a sweeping and grandiose statement so get ready–leggings are the most controversial item of clothing that exists in this world.

Now let me provide some evidentiary support to back up my claim that leggings are the most controversial clothing item we have in our closets. Certain pieces of clothing can NEVER be considered pants, such as tights. There is no instance when you can make a claim that tights equal pants–it’s a black and white situation. However, there are certain scenarios when leggings can be completely acceptable as pants (yes, I did just say that…pick up your jaws I’m not finished making my point yet). Here are a few examples:

1. Workout gear. It can be more comfortable in legging-style clothes, and I can roll with that.

2. Leggings worn with a skirt or dress on top. Completely acceptable.

3. Leggings with a long sweater or shirt on top (keyword LONG).

However, the aforementioned examples are not the way that most girls are interpreting the use of leggings. Instead, they wear them with short shirts or sweaters, so that their asses are very clearly outlined for the world to see. Leggings were absolutely a staple in my middle school wardrobe (I still to this day don’t know what the hell I was thinking), but they were worn with oversized shirts that may or may not have been adorned with oversized prints, bows, and were cinched to the side with neon pink clips. But hey, that was the ’90s for you and I am not apologizing!

The problem with accepting leggings alone as pants is that I would feel naked. There is a very thin layer of fabric separating your bare ass from the outside environment. Maybe I don’t want my ass to have that much exposure to the elements. Maybe I prefer to keep it more subdued, behind the closed doors of jeans or a skirt/dress of proper length. Maybe all these girls just love their asses and feel completely comfortable showing them off in a pair of leggings. Maybe modesty is a thing of the past. Besides, I won’t even get into the very real potential of having a camel toe issue as a result of wearing leggings as pants…

What do you think? Are you pro- or anti-leggings as pants? The reality is leggings are back from the ’90s with a vengeance, and they’re not going away anytime soon. I must accept this. But you can have your cake and eat it too; you can wear leggings in an acceptable fashion and you don’t have to call a strike against them completely. My advice to you, girls of the world, is wear your leggings with class. More class, less ass.


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