Excuse Me Miss, I Believe You’ve Forgotten Your Pants

I have come to realize over the years that I have developed several pet peeves. Allow me to name a few:

1. People who are chronically late to things, when I am chronically on time.

2. People who walk too slowly.

3. Guys who look like they just stepped out of the yacht club. Put the boat shoes away.

4. Anyone who wears a mini-backpack. The ’90s already happened. (Author’s note: I cherish the ’90s, don’t get me wrong. I grew up in that decade. Put on any ‘N Sync song and you KNOW I’ll bust a move, but some things should just be left behind. Cue the mini-backpack.)

5. Pedestrians who walk directly in front of traffic. The Walk sign is there for a reason. I realize you have the right of way, but you kind of forfeit that right the moment a car runs you over.

6. When the toilet paper roll is placed on the holder in the way that forces you to pull sheets from underneath, in a counter-clockwise rotation. You know what I mean. Don’t know why, but I hate that.

7. Planet Fitness. This gym franchise, which occupies several of our fair United States, claims to be the “Judgement-Free Zone”. Except that’s not how you spell “judgement”. Guess what. Now I’m judging you.

8. Bad grammar.

9. Cars that leave their turn signals on for several miles after they’ve switched lanes on the highway. Now you’re just confusing me.

10. Guys who bathe in Axe. That stuff lingers. Make the right choice…reach for the soap.

While the aforementioned pet peeves may solicit a sigh, a groan or a roll of the eyes, they certainly don’t rile me up enough to start a blog. However, there is a recent trend that goes far beyond pet peeve. It is a glaring disturbance, a societal shock, and something I feel could morph into an epidemic: girls are forgetting their pants.

Why do so many people have a problem with pants? They are just so simple and lovely. You have a covering for each leg, a home for your lower appendages. They come in so many forms: jeans, khakis, dress pants, sweat pants (my personal favorite), yoga pants, workout pants…oh the possibilities are endless. Yet girls have rebelled. They have cried “NO!” to pants and have cast them aside the way our generational predecessors burnt their bras. They have made pants feel bad about themselves.

Almost every day, I witness a violation against pants. If I were qualified to do a citizen’s arrest, the citation would say “Disturbing the peace. Your ass is hanging out.” Is the problem that girls are confused? Are they unsure of what qualifies as pants? If that clarification is all the world needs to fix its pantsless woes, let me provide you with a quick cheat sheet of clothing that DOES NOT count as pants:

1. Tights. YOU CAN SEE THROUGH THEM. This equals no pants.

2. Skirts or shorts that only stretch until the crease where your ass and thigh meet. Where’s the mystery girls, honestly.

3. A men’s button-down shirt worn as a dress. It is not a dress. It is a shirt. And I’m sure your boyfriend or dad would really like to have that shirt back.

4. Long sweaters worn as dresses. I’m sure when your grandma knitted you that cardigan she did not intend for you to go out in only that looking like a…um…hussy. (That was for you, Grandma.)

5. Anything where I can see your underwear. If you want to wear a red, lacy thong, go for it. Hey, I might even have the same thong. The difference is mine isn’t lit up like the Vegas strip for everyone to ogle at.

6. Boots as pants. It’s true…they exist. But why? It’s the equivalent of wearing assless chaps.

7. Leotards. Enough said.

When I take a step back and look at the bigger picture of our culture (as well as your ass, which is now staring me in the face through your tights), I realize the problem may be bigger than I initially thought. Celebrities are contributing to this pantsless trend. Beyonce refuses to wear anything on stage or in videos that is not a leotard. Now I spent my entire adolescence and much of my young adulthood as a gymnast and a serious ballet dancer. I spent every day in a leotard. Beyonce, I HAVE walked a day in your pants…I mean not pants…but leotards are far from comfortable or flattering. I’m not sure when leotards made the transition from the ballet studio to the street, but I think ballerinas world-wide would like to have their outfits back. We don’t go around stealing your underwear, so please don’t steal ours.

Lady Gaga is the poster child for no pants. Her legs are pants repellents. She simply is allergic to pants. I realize she makes quirky fashion decisions, but when does this go from fashion to a serious addiction? Can you go to rehab for not wearing pants? Can I have you committed to the psych ward against your will, where the nurses strap you down and force you into a pair of pants? For these questions, I have no answers. I just worry for Gaga. It’s getting cold outside; don’t you give a damn about your bare legs? As a public service announcement to you, Lady Gaga, please put on some pants. Your legs will be eternally grateful.

I really could go on and on about this…which I will since this blog is dedicated entirely to those troubled souls who have forgotten that all-important piece of their wardrobe…pants. I want your input! If you witness a pantsless sighting on the street, in the subway, in a bar (trust me, you really don’t have to look very far to find someone without pants), take a picture and email it to findyourpants@gmail.com. I’ll post it on the blog!

Until next time, please join the movement. Stand up! (Unless you’re not wearing pants, in which case, please stay seated for the visual well-being of others.) Wear pants.

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2 Comments on “Excuse Me Miss, I Believe You’ve Forgotten Your Pants”

  1. Karen Says:

    Wearers of pants unite! And also stand together unified in the knowledge that Kelly is funnier than I am. 🙂 Let’s all start taking those photos so we can get them up on here. And, although I’ll be in Turkey and will miss it, I highly encourage you all to go out together on Halloween wearing no pants! I dare you! And post a photo of yourselves!

  2. Becca Says:

    Well done, Kelly, well done! I must first admit that I’m an offender of your #1 and #5 pet peeves…sorry!!! Good news is you still love me 🙂 While I do plan to dress up as Lady Gaga for Halloween, the idea of wearing a leotard instead of pants is still frightening to me. But, for awareness of this jaw-dropping (not in a good way) trend, I shall take one for the time. Go pants!


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