It’s a ‘Wonder’-ful Life…With Pants

It’s one small step for woman-kind, and one GIANT LEAP FOR PANTS! Get this ladies and gentlemen: Wonder Woman now wears pants. Halle-freakin-lujah! It’s been a bit of a contentious affair since the new Wonder Woman was released and someone had appeared to have taken her to the Gap, but I am one happy camper. When you think about it, superheros haven’t exactly been proponents of pants in the past. Batman, Superman, Spiderman…tights. Tights and unitards and leotards, oh my. Yet because they have superhuman strength and the ability to spew out sticky liquid from their appendages (that’s what she said), we give them a pass. A “Get Out of Pants Free” card, if you will. While I may not be a comic book enthusiast, no one is more thrilled than I that Wonder Woman is now donning cargo pants and a jean jacket.

Think about it. The practicality of this new get-up is FAR more reasonable than her initial tights-with-underwear-overlaying-them combo. If I happen to be out, walking aimlessly on the streets, and get sneak-attacked by super villains, I need to be prepared to kick some ass. Will there be a phone booth conveniently placed on the sidewalk next to me so I can slip into something more comfortable? Nope…those don’t exist anymore. Will there be a Pantsmobile that comes screeching around the corner on its own cruise control to sweep me up and whisk me out of harm’s way? Nope…cruise control doesn’t work that way. Though I wish it did… What about a trusty sidekick to jump down from the adjacent building just at the moment when it looks like all hope is lost and save me? Nope…I don’t know about you, but my friends can’t jump from buildings and still be living. There isn’t time for a costume change for real superheros. So while tights or leggings have a bit more flexibility, I need to be ready to fight back in my jeans. And if my high-kicking happens to rip a hole or two, well, I’ve got tailors for that.

One blogger, Helena Andrews, understands my plight completely, and I commend everything she has to say…mostly because it’s exactly what I have to say. She scolds the same celebrities I do, reminds us of the horrid invention that was body suits, and even wore a leotard in the same fashion I did…in BALLET class (put the leotards away, ladies). Check her out! I even included some of the pics she dug up below.

The new Wonder Woman series writer said that she is “entering a new age and they wanted her look to reflect that“. Wow…a new age! It’s a bold statement, and one that fills me with oh so much hope. Can it be that he is alluding to my fantasy of a new age where all women wear pants?! This is huge, ladies. We can vote now, we can wear skirts above our knees, we can do something other than “women’s work”. Relegating ourselves to a life of baking cakes is far in the past, and now we can boast the first superhero to actually put some clothes on! This may be the biggest step in the feminist movement yet. Let the men wear the tights, ladies…we’ll take care of wearing the pants.

Wonder Woman's new digs!

This resembles the nudie leotards I used to wear...UNDER my ballet costumes.

Maybe Beyonce wants to draw attention to her crotch so that everyone isn't fixated on the fact her top half looks like a chandelier.

Is that Lady Gaga or the female version of the Michelin Tire man?

One in the same.

No Pants Sighting of the Day

Location: Outside (and inside) a bar in downtown Boston.

Offense: Last time I checked, I lived in New England. Not Miami. But please, do correct me if I’m wrong. If the harsh Boston winters make you compelled to rebel against clothes, then the only two words I really have for you are “indecent” and “exposure”. Not only are these ladies not wearing pants, they’re not even wearing tops.

Verdict: I know it’s been a hot summer, but I’d prefer that your boobs not be the ones to remind me of that.

Exhibit A. Let the fun begin.

Exhibit B. And look! Her chica friend in the pink bikini came to join her. I think she was worried her feet would be too exposed, since that's the only logical reason I can come up with for wearing Uggs in the middle of July.

Exhibit C. Shake it honey. Your boobs are having the time of their lives.

Exhibit D. It's a good thing she had some dental floss with her to hold up her "shirt".

No Pants Sighting of the Day

Location: North End, Boston

Offense: What do you get when you combine the leader of the No Pants Brigade and the proximity of my neighborhood to the TD Garden? You get the Lady Gaga concert and a HELL of a lotta no pants goin’ on in the North End. Now what’s wrong with this picture of our chica friend here? Well for starters, the muffin top look is never EVER attractive. It’s actually a blatant advertisement for you to get some new clothes. If wearing tights/leggings makes your tummy resemble a banana nut pastry, WEAR JEANS NEXT TIME.

But wait, there’s more! I really didn’t think this was possible, but the black way-too-tight bra you’re wearing that I can see through that thin piece of material you call a shirt is actually giving your shoulder blades a muffin top…WHAT?!?! And lest I put the nail in the coffin of this travesty of an outfit, is that a fur coat you’re carrying?? I don’t know who’s more offended by this, me or PETA.

Verdict: Flattering (adjective): showing or representing to advantage; synonyms include becoming, enhancing, effective, well-chosen. Antonyms include…your outfit.

Why her boyfriend let her out of the house looking like this is a mystery to me.

Lady Gaga dropped the no pants bomb over Boston, and as you can see from this visual representation of my street's proximity to ground zero, the remnants of the pantsless bomb landed in the dead center of the North End. We got shrapnel all over the freaking place.