Button Up Your Overcoat: You Forgot Your Pants

I Googled “forgot your pants” the other day, and needless to say a number of interesting things popped up. The top search results were pictures of Anne Hathaway on some entertainment website where she, naturally, had forgotten to wear pants in public. But celebrities have such hatred toward pants these days that I really wasn’t fazed. There were also a couple of blog entries written on the discovery that several Star Wars lines can be rewritten by substituting in the word “pants” and suddenly they’re hilarious. For instance, “I find your lack of pants disturbing”, “Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants”, “I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants”, and “Search your pants, Luke. You know it’s true”. Granted I can’t appreciate the full humor of these line substitutions when I’ve never seen the three original Star Wars movies (I’ll call blasphemy on myself, don’t get all in a tizzy). But I do appreciate the creativity that pants can bring to a situation.

The search result that got me a little excited was on IMDb; Season 18, Episode 27 of the Red Skelton Show: “Button Up Your Overcoat: You Forgot Your Pants”.

Upon doing some research into the origins of the Red Skelton Show, Wikipedia informed me that it was a variety TV show, originally airing in the early 1950s and running through the 70s. In that time, it won three Emmys and competed with Gunsmoke and the Ed Sullivan Show for ratings. Unfortunately I searched everywhere and couldn’t find a plot synopsis for “Button Up Your Overcoat: You Forgot Your Pants”, so naturally I concluded that maybe it was fitting to think about what a modern-day version of this episode would look like…

Red Skelton played a character named George Appleby in this episode, and other characters included “Grizzled Old Prospector”, Gloria Loring as herself, and the Tom Hansen Dancers as…themselves. I see the potential for some High School Musical action here…only with pants! Cue music! (This is the part where I insert the word “pants” into High School Musical song titles if you didn’t pick up on that.)

“Get’cha Pants in the Game”

“Stick to the Status Pants”

“We’re All in Pants Together”

“I Can’t Take My Pants Off You”

Funny, right? Could Lady Gaga play the Grizzled Old Prospector who refuses to see the virtue of pants? Could the Jabbawockeez play the modern-day Tom Hansen Dancers and communicate for pants through the eyes of dance? It’s an exciting prospect.

It’s time to bring the classic variety show formula back to today’s TV line-up. And I think the way to bring it back with a bang is with pants (keyword “with”). NBC if you’re reading this, I will gladly write you a pilot.

No Pants Sighting of the Day

Location: North End, Boston

Offense: I mean come on.

Verdict: Anyone standing any further than 3 feet away from you thinks you are completely naked from the waist down. Holy no pants.

The Great Leggings Debate of 2009

There have been a lot of great debates in our history: the Presidential debates that grace us with their presence every four years (and are then parodied on Saturday Night Live in hilarious fashion), the age-old evolution vs. creation debate (everyone has to remember reading Inherit the Wind in high school), and the argument over the correct pronunciation of “tomato”. But a recent debate has cropped up over the legitmacy of leggings as pants. In one corner, we have the pro-leggings folks, who believe that leggings alone without a long sweater, dress or skirt count as pants. In the other corner, there are the anti-leggings individuals, who, like me, are firmly against the usage of leggings as single pants entities. In my opinion–and I’m about to make a sweeping and grandiose statement so get ready–leggings are the most controversial item of clothing that exists in this world.

Now let me provide some evidentiary support to back up my claim that leggings are the most controversial clothing item we have in our closets. Certain pieces of clothing can NEVER be considered pants, such as tights. There is no instance when you can make a claim that tights equal pants–it’s a black and white situation. However, there are certain scenarios when leggings can be completely acceptable as pants (yes, I did just say that…pick up your jaws I’m not finished making my point yet). Here are a few examples:

1. Workout gear. It can be more comfortable in legging-style clothes, and I can roll with that.

2. Leggings worn with a skirt or dress on top. Completely acceptable.

3. Leggings with a long sweater or shirt on top (keyword LONG).

However, the aforementioned examples are not the way that most girls are interpreting the use of leggings. Instead, they wear them with short shirts or sweaters, so that their asses are very clearly outlined for the world to see. Leggings were absolutely a staple in my middle school wardrobe (I still to this day don’t know what the hell I was thinking), but they were worn with oversized shirts that may or may not have been adorned with oversized prints, bows, and were cinched to the side with neon pink clips. But hey, that was the ’90s for you and I am not apologizing!

The problem with accepting leggings alone as pants is that I would feel naked. There is a very thin layer of fabric separating your bare ass from the outside environment. Maybe I don’t want my ass to have that much exposure to the elements. Maybe I prefer to keep it more subdued, behind the closed doors of jeans or a skirt/dress of proper length. Maybe all these girls just love their asses and feel completely comfortable showing them off in a pair of leggings. Maybe modesty is a thing of the past. Besides, I won’t even get into the very real potential of having a camel toe issue as a result of wearing leggings as pants…

What do you think? Are you pro- or anti-leggings as pants? The reality is leggings are back from the ’90s with a vengeance, and they’re not going away anytime soon. I must accept this. But you can have your cake and eat it too; you can wear leggings in an acceptable fashion and you don’t have to call a strike against them completely. My advice to you, girls of the world, is wear your leggings with class. More class, less ass.

No Pants Sighting of the Day

Location: Storefront in Springfield, VA

Offense: Promoting the idea that these outfits equal actual clothes to unsuspecting and potential no-pants-wearing customers.

Verdict: Even plastic people look slutty without pants.

Send YOUR no pants sighting pictures to findyourpants@gmail.com!

…Then You’re Not Wearing Pants.

Jeff Foxworthy has made his style of blue collar comedy famous largely through his vast collection of “You might be a redneck” jokes. Some of the classics include: “You might be a redneck if you’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws”; “You might be a redneck if you think Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company”; and “You might be a redneck if you carried a fishing pole into Sea World”.

The simple genius of these jokes is that they are completely based on “If…then” logic. You know, all that stuff you learned in 9th grade geometry and then promptly forgot… “If a shape has four equal sides and four right angles, then it’s a square.” I figured there has to be another, more useful way to apply this type of logic beyond proving impossible theorums that used to make me cry during math tests and Nascar-loving rednecks. Well I’m sure you can easily figure out where this is going…

• If your coat is longer than whatever piece of clothing is covering your legs…then you’re not wearing pants.
• If you can walk into a dance studio and take a class without having to change your clothes…then you’re not wearing pants.
• If your face isn’t the only body part getting whiplash during the winter…then you’re not wearing pants.
• If a guy can completely evade the step of figuring out how to get into your pants…then you’re not wearing pants.
• If your clothes resemble Lady Gaga’s in any way…then you’re not wearing pants.
• If anyone says to you, “I love your outfit! Where’s the rest of it?”…then you’re not wearing pants.
• If your skirt is from the kid’s department…then you’re not wearing pants.
• If you’re ever standing on a street corner and get mistaken for “working” said corner…then you’re not wearing pants.
• If I have a clear and direct view of that birthmark on the right side of your ass…then you’re not wearing pants.
• If you don’t actually work for Hooters but look like you do…then you’re not wearing pants.
• If guys only have one thing to look at when you’re sitting down (and I’m not talking your eyes)…then you’re not wearing pants.
• If your outfit covers your ass about as much as a hospital gown…then you’re not wearing pants.
• If your 6th grade yearbook photo (when it was cool to wear leggings with stirrups) looks exactly like a photo of you now…then you’re not wearing pants.
• If tourists from Amsterdam stop you and say you look so familiar…then you’re not wearing pants.

No Pants Sighting of the Day

Location: North End, Boston

Offense: Wearing very sheer leggings as pants with shirts of inappropriate length. I can see a very clear outline of your ass.

Verdict: They forgot their pants.

Have you witnessed a heinous violation against pants?? Send your pictures to findyourpants@gmail.com!

The History of Pants

I got to thinking the other day about the origination of this piece of clothing we call pants. I thought: “Is there something tainted in pants’ history that has caused girls to turn against wearing them? Did pants gossip about girls behind their backs, thereby sparking the cause for embargo?”

I’m thinking something along the lines of Mean Girls. You know, pants caught girls in a three-way calling trap and called them whores behind their backs while smiling sweetly to their faces. A classic girls vs. pants conflict. Pants will play the part of Regina George, while the Lindsay Lohan character will be played by girls. And we all know what happened to the Lindsay Lohan character…she got swept up in the catty antics of the Plastics, joined forces with the dark side, and then turned against them. Girls fought hard to adopt the men-centric clothing item, gained its trust, and have now turned the cold shoulder against pants. It’s the silent treatment of clothing battles.

Let’s dig a little deeper into the relationship between women and pants, shall we?

According to Wikipedia, women first started wearing pants, or “trousers”, as they were first referred, in the mid-19th Century Victorian era for their work in the coal mines. It was scandalous. Actresses Marlene Dietrich and Katharine Hepburn paved the way for women to consider pants fashionable. Today, Wikipedia claims that women wear pants rather than skirts/dresses most of the time (which I would like to dispute), with a few exceptions including pregnancy, religion and…Scottish highland dancing. Yup, no pants for those Scottish kilt-wearing highland dancers.

But we have the luxury today of not being Scottish highland dancers and not having to suffer through rib-breaking whalebone corsets. So why, ladies, do you feel the need to smite the ancestors who went through so much toil to give you the right to wear clothing that was never meant for us to wear in the first place? If it really is a case of Mean Girls, then it makes much more sense to me. Girls are catty bitches. I’m a girl myself and I’m the first one to admit that we are nasty. We will be every bit of  a friend to your face but don’t think we’ve never said something mean about you behind your back. We have.

So maybe this whole debacle can be resolved with a heart to heart between girls and pants. Honestly girls, even if pants have at one point done the Mean Girl thing, think about all the times they provided extreme comfort, warmth, and an excuse not to have to shave your legs. Seriously that’s a big one. It’s time to put your petty differences aside. Be the bigger person, girls, give pants a chance.

After all, how comfortable are see-through tights or those skirts where you can’t sit down without a full-on va-jay-jay display? Honestly.

For your viewing pleasure, I have copied below a diagram that should give girls a visual representation of what should be covering their legs (courtesy of Wikipedia). Enjoy, and as always, wear pants.

The anatomy of pants. Such a simple concept, yet apparently so difficult to understand why one should wear them.

Excuse Me Miss, I Believe You’ve Forgotten Your Pants

I have come to realize over the years that I have developed several pet peeves. Allow me to name a few:

1. People who are chronically late to things, when I am chronically on time.

2. People who walk too slowly.

3. Guys who look like they just stepped out of the yacht club. Put the boat shoes away.

4. Anyone who wears a mini-backpack. The ’90s already happened. (Author’s note: I cherish the ’90s, don’t get me wrong. I grew up in that decade. Put on any ‘N Sync song and you KNOW I’ll bust a move, but some things should just be left behind. Cue the mini-backpack.)

5. Pedestrians who walk directly in front of traffic. The Walk sign is there for a reason. I realize you have the right of way, but you kind of forfeit that right the moment a car runs you over.

6. When the toilet paper roll is placed on the holder in the way that forces you to pull sheets from underneath, in a counter-clockwise rotation. You know what I mean. Don’t know why, but I hate that.

7. Planet Fitness. This gym franchise, which occupies several of our fair United States, claims to be the “Judgement-Free Zone”. Except that’s not how you spell “judgement”. Guess what. Now I’m judging you.

8. Bad grammar.

9. Cars that leave their turn signals on for several miles after they’ve switched lanes on the highway. Now you’re just confusing me.

10. Guys who bathe in Axe. That stuff lingers. Make the right choice…reach for the soap.

While the aforementioned pet peeves may solicit a sigh, a groan or a roll of the eyes, they certainly don’t rile me up enough to start a blog. However, there is a recent trend that goes far beyond pet peeve. It is a glaring disturbance, a societal shock, and something I feel could morph into an epidemic: girls are forgetting their pants.

Why do so many people have a problem with pants? They are just so simple and lovely. You have a covering for each leg, a home for your lower appendages. They come in so many forms: jeans, khakis, dress pants, sweat pants (my personal favorite), yoga pants, workout pants…oh the possibilities are endless. Yet girls have rebelled. They have cried “NO!” to pants and have cast them aside the way our generational predecessors burnt their bras. They have made pants feel bad about themselves.

Almost every day, I witness a violation against pants. If I were qualified to do a citizen’s arrest, the citation would say “Disturbing the peace. Your ass is hanging out.” Is the problem that girls are confused? Are they unsure of what qualifies as pants? If that clarification is all the world needs to fix its pantsless woes, let me provide you with a quick cheat sheet of clothing that DOES NOT count as pants:

1. Tights. YOU CAN SEE THROUGH THEM. This equals no pants.

2. Skirts or shorts that only stretch until the crease where your ass and thigh meet. Where’s the mystery girls, honestly.

3. A men’s button-down shirt worn as a dress. It is not a dress. It is a shirt. And I’m sure your boyfriend or dad would really like to have that shirt back.

4. Long sweaters worn as dresses. I’m sure when your grandma knitted you that cardigan she did not intend for you to go out in only that looking like a…um…hussy. (That was for you, Grandma.)

5. Anything where I can see your underwear. If you want to wear a red, lacy thong, go for it. Hey, I might even have the same thong. The difference is mine isn’t lit up like the Vegas strip for everyone to ogle at.

6. Boots as pants. It’s true…they exist. But why? It’s the equivalent of wearing assless chaps.

7. Leotards. Enough said.

When I take a step back and look at the bigger picture of our culture (as well as your ass, which is now staring me in the face through your tights), I realize the problem may be bigger than I initially thought. Celebrities are contributing to this pantsless trend. Beyonce refuses to wear anything on stage or in videos that is not a leotard. Now I spent my entire adolescence and much of my young adulthood as a gymnast and a serious ballet dancer. I spent every day in a leotard. Beyonce, I HAVE walked a day in your pants…I mean not pants…but leotards are far from comfortable or flattering. I’m not sure when leotards made the transition from the ballet studio to the street, but I think ballerinas world-wide would like to have their outfits back. We don’t go around stealing your underwear, so please don’t steal ours.

Lady Gaga is the poster child for no pants. Her legs are pants repellents. She simply is allergic to pants. I realize she makes quirky fashion decisions, but when does this go from fashion to a serious addiction? Can you go to rehab for not wearing pants? Can I have you committed to the psych ward against your will, where the nurses strap you down and force you into a pair of pants? For these questions, I have no answers. I just worry for Gaga. It’s getting cold outside; don’t you give a damn about your bare legs? As a public service announcement to you, Lady Gaga, please put on some pants. Your legs will be eternally grateful.

I really could go on and on about this…which I will since this blog is dedicated entirely to those troubled souls who have forgotten that all-important piece of their wardrobe…pants. I want your input! If you witness a pantsless sighting on the street, in the subway, in a bar (trust me, you really don’t have to look very far to find someone without pants), take a picture and email it to findyourpants@gmail.com. I’ll post it on the blog!

Until next time, please join the movement. Stand up! (Unless you’re not wearing pants, in which case, please stay seated for the visual well-being of others.) Wear pants.